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HUMOUR COLUMN: So Much Higgi-Hagga Everywhere I Look

People that sell bad suya should be jailed. And this is because I am not in favor of the death penalty. Like you had just one job, why then will your suya taste raw?

Hello fellow Nigerians, I am a bit slow today, so can someone explain this to me. Is the dollar rising or the naira falling? Secondly, is the dollar falling or is the naira rising? Those of you that feel it is the same thing are the problem of Nigeria.

Pure water – which means any water, regardless of purity, and stored in a sachet – sold briefly for twenty naira in Owerri. One pure water, twenty naira! It would have been funny, if it was not so damn annoying. They said something about the nylon for packaging, when I asked one of the boys selling. Yet, when I researched – by which I mean, asked another person – I found out that a bag was being sold for 150, instead of 100 naira, a 50 Naira increase. Those of you that answered correctly the question I asked previously can do the Math. For those that do not take pure water, like my dear Humour Column readers Mandy, Anyi and Fifi, there are 20 sachets in one bag. Nigerians are their own worst enemy. Anyway we stuck it out, it’s not like we had any choice. I thought of dropping this damn bread hawking and going into the pure water business for a while. But then, they went back to selling it for 10 naira.

I noticed the slight difference in heft though. No one will believe me, but I swear they reduced the quantity. Bastards!

Anyway, I decided not to sell pure water. I will stick with this bread business until I photobomb somebody important like PSquare – or is it just P these days, I am not really sure. Last I heard, Glo cancelled their endorsement deal, which is kind of nice. It means Glo is at least good at something; since they cannot provide proper internet services for their subscribers.

Something similar happened with the guy Mayweather beat, Manny something-or-the-other, I can’t pronounce his name, neither can I spell it. But for a guy who practices violence for a living to be quoting bible verses regarding someone else’s sexual preference, I wish Apple had done more than cancel his endorsement. Maybe they should have made him return all the money they’d initially paid him. It’s not like he was a really good fighter. I could probably take him, if I train for about a decade.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Ok, first of all, pure water sold for 20 naira? SERIOUSLY?! Even if it was briefly, these people should just stop that roguh play. They should just stop it. And imagine, it even started in Owerri. Which means PH, the most expensive city in the East, must have considered it too. Pretty soon, the idea will creep across the Niger and spread to all other states in Nigeria. And before you can say ‘Naira’, we are suffering and smiling over a 20naira pure water!

    • shakespeareanwalter

      Mandy, lmao. Camdan. Your blood is hotting too much this Saturday morning.

      • Ees not a small sontin o. A bag of pure water sold for N150 in my school until the SUG intervened. But me, I had no worries. Thank God I always keep La Cesara bottles after taking the drink. So if push comes to shove, I boil water, fill up the cans and put in the fridge. #problemsolved.

  2. Hahahaha hahaha. Oh I laughed hard to this, there are just too many funny points raised.
    To clarify, the naira is rising and dollar is falling. Some people say the naira is falling but when something increases from 190 to 390, is that not a rise? Me I don’t know whether these economists them can count sef.
    I like this your Manny reasoning oooo. For someone who fights to come dey quote Bible? Nna, odikwa egwu. Maybe before he enters a fight, he calls on God to come give him victory. He think say this na David and Goliath something?
    Chika, continue selling ya bread, camera must catch you soon.

    • shakespeareanwalter

      Hahahahahahahahaa! This comment killed me. Firstly, you get am. Naira is indeed rising. These economists should get their facts straight. And see consolation for photobombing. You should open up shop for career encouragement, Anyi

  3. LOL!

  4. Hahahahaha!

  5. LMHO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chika Jones!!!!! Your matter no be here e dey sha!!!

  6. Chika, always brightening my day

  7. Only a decade, Chika? Abeg abeg abeg, add another two to that before taking Manny on. Who do you want to leave your Humor column for and go and die?!

  8. Its only in Nigeria where producer will hear dollar is rising/falling (depending on what the final answer to that your question is) and rush to increase price whether or not his cost of production has increased.
    We go soon vex begin fill water for santana nylon. Afterall, about 80% of that their water no clean.

  9. Reference to Manny Pacquao is unnecessary

    • shakespeareanwalter

      Why? Why was it unnecessary? Because he tackled homophobia and you happen to think Manny is right for comparing gay people to animals?

  10. ????

    NO comment. I have laughed it all

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