Home / Featured / HUMOUR COLUMN: Open Letter to Saraki

HUMOUR COLUMN: Open Letter to Saraki

Dear Sir,

I hope this meets you well. I know you might be a little perturbed by having to sit in a dock. Even if you are not, I am sure your ass is. Your ass is used to plush sofas and soft beds, not the hard wooden surfaces these courts prefer, as if been in a court was not enough punishment in itself. So I would like to say sorry for your ass. Pun intended.

You see, sir, I want you to rejoice. Your enemies might not know this, but this trial has made you quite popular. A lot of Nigerians did not know that an office called the Senate Presidency existed, and even if they knew, they did not know you were the one occupying it. No, sir, I do not mean to say you were irrelevant to the masses. What I meant is that you were nonexistent before now.

Now, your name is on all lips. Every blogger worth his SEO has learned your full name by now. And you are trending, sir. Before you dismiss the importance of TRENDING, let me state that most people never trend in their lifetime. They go through life without trending, which is worse than not having a child in this digital age. That is why people post nudes to trend, some pretend to die to trend, some others even die just to trend, sir. I know of people who have changed their gender to trend. Believe me sir, to trend is to really live, and your enemies just gave you that on a platter of court suits.

However sir, I have serious trust issues when it comes to the Nigerian media. Ever since they told us Yar’adua was alive and kept showing us photoshopped pictures while nobody ruled the country, I have had serious trust issues with them. Ever since they said Shekau has been killed on three different occasions, I have stopped trusting them.

So when they said you were being accused of false declaration of assets, I did not believe them. I want to hear it from your mouth. Sir, what did you really do? Because we all know it cannot be something as little as false declaration of assets. No sir, not in Nigeria, where Sani Abacha was given a posthumous national award. Not in Nigeria where the President just declared his assets and included two mud houses and cows. No sir, you need to tell me what you really did.

Could it by any chance be the Senate Presidency tussle? Or did you look at somebody’s wife ‘one kain’? Because in Nigeria it does not take very much to enter wahala and be singled out for a witch hunt.

I will be expecting your reply, sir. Except you are jailed, please don’t write from jail, because if you are jailed, then it is definitely a witch hunt.

Take care sir, and once again sorry for your ass.

Yours Faithfully

Chika Jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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12 comments

  1. LMAO!!!
    Saraki, you’ve got mail!

  2. Lol…this Chika always gives me LIFE! “To trend is to reall live…” Buhahaha! No wonder I’ve been feeling empty inside; now which gimmick shall I fall back on,to trend on SM? Nudes? Semi-nudes? Death? Fake-death? Gender re-assignment?…I’m open to suggestions,people.
    (ION: y’all know Saraki is coming out of this unscathed,right? I mean,this is Naija and he’s a millionaire/billionaire lawmaker…I mean, c’mon!!!!)

  3. lol…Chika….u gat no chills ooooo

  4. Omg thank u so much Chika. Nigerian politics is something i don’t and will never understand, i’m still trying to figure out how he won the seat and yet he has too many people against him.

  5. Hahaha haha. Somebody get saraki on the phone, I’ve got ass warmers for sale.

  6. ‘Sir,what did you really do?’
    That got me…looool

  7. I reeled out in laughter reading this. This guy took the nightmare that is Saraki’s reality and upturned it into a comical scene for us.

  8. Saraki, sorry for your ass, all pun intended!

  9. Lol… Da humour in this piece is so out of this world
    “Sorry for your ass “lol, dat got me

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