Now I see the point of this column. Normally I just write so I can put it in my CV or come over and read the comments on my posts any day I am feeling particularly down, or contemplating suicide. Now I see the point. And what is the point? Aunty Linda is getting married. You all remember when I told her to do so, right? Right? Well, she listened. Fine, I know she did not comment or send me a personal message, but I am sure it was simply an oversight. I will soon receive my own wedding invitation. Finally! I have made it. All those who did not believe in me can now go and die.
Now this might not necessarily be true; we all know Nigerian bloggers are multitalented. They do not only report news, they also produce news. They sit in their undies on their beds, and fabricate wonderful things. It is really stupid – blogging in underwear, I mean. As for the fabrication, I think it is great.
While we are on the topic of marriage, is it not clear that the amount of ceremony people go through these days to announce to the world that they have been having sex for a while and plan to continue to do so for a while in the near future is too much? Consider the fact that sometimes, the marriages are the equivalent length of some Indomie adverts, and you will be as confused as Buhari is currently.
First they have the proposal video. This is where the woman debuts as an actress. Some are so good at it, that I am sure they have a future in Nollywood. They act so surprised, like they did not even know who this person proposing to them is. They get a friend to capture the moment on video too. Like, you have been dating this man for several decades, if not centuries, you must have known he was going to propose, right? Right? Why then do you look so surprised, my lady? Why?
Second is the pre-wedding photoshoot. Now, this would be my favorite part, if it was not so damned expensive. And what is it with colour-coordinated clothes? What are you, the Teletubbies? Now some couples strike the craziest poses, and recreate the most hilarious things. I swear, if they put that amount of creativity into making the marriage last, we could cut the divorce rate by half.
Then on to the wedding: an acceptable wedding, by society’s standards, should leave you in debt for several generations of your family. And why is the aso ebi so expensive? I agree with the person that said: “If I can pay 50,000 naira for aso ebi, then I am a stakeholder in your marriage.” Yes, you cannot get a divorce without calling me, or even go on vacations without first checking with me. I must also have dibs on being the god-parent of your children, with one of them possibly getting named after my great grandfather.
You now have the couple’s entrance. Ever since that famous OAP whose name escapes me at the moment – ‘Womanny’ or something like that – decided to create an entrance video, Nigerian couples have been trying to outdo themselves. I have just one word of advice: check your partner’s size before you plan an entrance that involves heavy lifting, unless you intend to spend the wedding night in ICU.
Congratulations to Aunty Linda in advance. And to those readers getting married this year, may your marriages last longer than an Indomie TV advert.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones