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HUMOUR COLUMN: Nigerians Are Not Happy

Hello Fellow Nigerians

What are we angry about this week?

The millions spent on imported police dogs

The lynching of homosexuals

The lynching of a man because of 10 naira

The mobbing and stripping of a suspected kidnapper

The rejection of the Gender Equality bill by the Senate

The split of PSquare into two separate Ps

Nigeria is like a Yoruba woman, always ready to transplant the head-tie from head to waist and get into some serious drama. And there is never an end to drama, is there? Well, take a look at the abovementioned topics and pick the one most important to Nigeria; that is the one we are about to analyze and discuss.

So why did PSquare split? From the days of Bizzy Body, the wonder twin pair has been giving twins all over Nigeria something to look up to. At least if JAMB cannot be passed, and if WAEC becomes impossible, they can always go into music like PSquare. And when the Mo-hits split happened, Nigerians took comfort in PSquare. No, PSquare cannot ever disappoint, we said. Even when they started releasing songs whose only appeal was the matching costumes in the videos, we were happy. As long as they were together, we were fine.

The days of “Uncle, please tell us a story…” are long gone, and the twins were still getting back-to-back endorsements, because Nigerians are sentimental like that. We all love the story about family.

Now here we are. They say the devil came between them. In Nigeria, the devil can mean anything, from a lack of patience or abundance of greed to a deficiency of common sense and good judgement, depending on who is telling the story. So the ‘devil’ did what no one else could have done. He found the square root of PSquare. What we now have is a Mr. P and one other person. Two upcoming artists. Wow.

Yet, I wish them well. We have seen musical groups that split, and it resulted in one or two members growing into far bigger artistes than they were before. We remember very well the Plantashun Boiz, which was made up of four faces: Blackface, 2faces and Faze. After their split, Tuface went on to become a legend, while the other faces noisily vanished like a plate of fufu in a room full of Igbo boys. (I still wonder why they didn’t call the group Faces, instead of Plantashun Boiz, seeing as they were not tilling any plantations at the time). Anyway, so who knows, one of the Ps might actually benefit from this breakup, or even both.

Anyway, what have we learned from the split? Follow me closely here: Nothing! Absolutely nothing! I personally couldn’t care less if they decided to take the square root of one of the Ps again. Why don’t I care? Because Nigeria is going to hell anyway, and not even a stage performance of Do Me can save us. My recommendation for Nigeria: Nothing. Let us all fold our hands and do absolutely nothing. No hashtags, no marches or protests, nothing.

In the words of our forefathers, whenever there is a major problem: ‘Let us all face our front.’

Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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9 comments

  1. 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 From the abovementioned topics, the one that is most important to Nigeria is PSquare’s split, abi? This Chika, you no well.

  2. Hahahahahahaha!
    Chika cannot be salvaged Biko!
    Apparently, psquare can’t as well.

  3. Lolz, the devil has find the square root of P, one is Mr P and the other is rude boy.

  4. Lwkmd, “faze, blackfaze, two faces”…” disappeared like a mound of fufu with Igbo boys”… It’s only the Psquare scandal that affects all of us na, the rest are minor scandals affecting just a tiny group 😂😂😂😂. Nigeria o Nigeria

  5. With all the wahala in the country tabled out so…it gave me pause. Serious pause…
    And Psquare’s split is the most important?! This country tire me fa!
    Someone should lock the twins in one room to settle jare! Their own shakara too much sef!
    I still smell a publicity stunt somewhere….*sniff sniff*

  6. I am angry for the following reasons this week:

    1. My stupid bank who insists on calling me sir (via email) even though I have “Ms.” attached to my name and corrected them twice. I mean do you address ALL your customers as sir? LAZY ASS ugly suit wearing people! Is it too much to ask that you simply know the person you are communicating with as your customer? What then do you have my data for? I find this extremely annoying.

    2. I am angry at the stupid UBER taxi people who made an unauthorized deduction from my account for a service I did not receive. After lodging my complaint and hearing plenty grammar from them, they ended up putting the blame on my bank. Just as I expected! I’d like to slap all of them!! But I am not a violent person.

    END OF RANT. Thank you.

  7. It’s good they split. I don’t know why it’s good buts it’s good sha. Maybe we’ll get more of the cry cry song to use as comic relief.

  8. this is so good, stress level is already reduced….hihihihih
    shey Q-squARE is the biggest Nig problem abi? izz orrait

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