The Nigerian political scene is always a worthy topic, partly because, discussing Boko Haram would hurt too much. So after watching the political scene for about a month, I have learned vital lessons I will put to good use if I ever decide to run for public office. Suppose I decide, despite the best advice to the contrary, to run for governor, and by some miracle I do win, the following are the next steps to take:
I will proceed to visit everyone who helped me get to my promised land, which is a metaphor for political office in Nigeria, for only such offices can transform you from a homeless man or a man without shoes to a man who cannot publicly declare his true net worth, for fear of causing cardiac arrests. I will visit my backers, my ballot box seizers, my riggers and everyone else but the actual voters.
From my observation, among the qualities to possess in Nigerian politics, apart from the being a pathological liar and having a beer belly, you must also have the vindictiveness of a pack of hyenas. So once I assume office, I will institute a probe on all of my enemies, perceived or genuine. It doesn’t have to be for any recent wrong. I will probe the guy that stole my sweet in Nursery Two. My motto will be: Hunt Them Down!
While carrying out the above, I will find time to call the press, by which I mean those who are on my payroll. And I will inform them that – Alas! – my predecessor left behind an empty treasury. In doing this, I will disregard all evidence to the contrary and scream ‘Empty treasury’ for three straight days. It doesn’t matter if I am not really sure where the treasury is located; I will look for it later. But for now, it is empty! Three or four headlines will do.
This is by far the easiest part of my job. It will involve releasing strongly worded statements from time to time about terrorist acts. The keyword would be ‘condemn’. I don’t even have to write the statements myself. I’d just turn to my aide after each attack and say the magic word ‘condemn’.
I have covered the basics of what my job will entail as a new governor. If there is time, I might actually attend to some problems in the state. But that is by no means a priority.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones