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HUMOUR COLUMN: Much Ado About President Jonathan

On the 30th of May 2015, President Jonathan will go home. This particular event will make headlines in our major newspapers, unless of course Shekau is killed again, or the Chibok girls are found again.

Now, I go home every day, except on those days when I spend the entire day at home. I am pretty sure you go home too daily. So, why then should the going home of President Jonathan make headlines? I mean, it’s not as if he will still be president on May 30th. It is insights like this that separate the humor columnist from other writers.

Anyway, Nigerians like most mammals are fair weather friends. This explains why. When it got too hot on Planet Earth, the dinosaurs abandoned us on earth and left for Mars. So, as President Jonathan leaves Aso Rock sometime between 12pm and 6pm on May 29, he will find the number of his friends severely depleted. And then, you’d get some petty idiot who will call him, just to rub it in somewhat.

Caller: “Hello, is that the President?”

Jonathan: “Yes, Presi – Well, no, it’s just me, Jonathan.”

Caller: “Ok, I wanted to speak with the President.” And he hangs up brusquely.

But I like President Jonathan. Any man that can inspire that kind of blind devotion in an Okrika woman is definitely special. The Okrika people naturally have the fidelity of workers in a red-light district. So, because I like President Jonathan, I decided to research a list of possible post-presidential careers for him, free of charge, of course.

  1. Modeling

A look at past presidential pictures reveals that no president wore the hat better than Patience’s husband. From suits to his traditional wrapper, his hat was an ever present accessory. I would implore him to look into modeling hats for hat makers.

  1. Home Tutoring

The President might also want to look into home tutoring lessons for his darling wife. The most important subject he will need to teach her will of course be . . . Mathematics. Yes, Maths! Who’s saying otherwise? No, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I believe that by him undertaking this task, such classes will bring them ever closer, and he won’t need to spend his diminished budget on expensive home lesson teachers.

  1. Farming

President Jonathan has a degree in Zoology. I am sure he has always loved working with animals; only his love for Nigeria forced him into politics. In spite of that, for the six years of his presidency, he showed us where his heart truly lied. So, in the absence of all the ministers that keep coming and going, I would love him to follow his heart.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Chika Jones, walahiiii you have done a good pro bono work in a pro bono week…lol

  2. Lol
    Maths? Like seriously? I saw what you did there o, kontinu. Mama Peace god shall visit you!

  3. Nice, funny too……I always enjoy the articles….well done.

  4. lool

  5. Chika!

  6. ..ye are a “nutcase”! #nice

  7. Chei!
    I have nothing to say…

  8. Dia z God o.!

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