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HUMOUR COLUMN: Linda Ikeji, Goan Marry!

Yes, I am going to talk about Aunty Linda. You don’t just buy a house worth 450/500/600/800 (depending on which blog you read) million naira and expect us not to talk.

A house! Not houses! One house! Huge or not, it is still one house.

Speaking from my knowledge of growing up in a ‘Face me, I face you’ house, I would like to point out with authority that you were duped. Yes, Aunty Linda – Duped! Does the house clean itself? Is it portable? Does it talk to you on those cold nights when you need a . . . . .

Aha! Interesting, isn’t it? I never actually planned to talk about the fact that she is not married, even though that has been the raging topic of discussion, never mind that we are about to get the same set of saints we have had since the inception of Nigeria as ministers. No. Never mind that Boko Haram has not been stopped and may not be stopped for a long time. Never mind that our girls have not yet been brought back. Never mind that Titus Sardine now has just two pieces of fish in it. No.

Instead, we deemed it fit to spend the week discussing Linda Ikeji’s marital status. This is really, really annoying, in fact it is so disgustingly annoying, that I will discuss Linda Ikeji’s marital status.

So some very unchristian minds had the temerity to insinuate that getting married is her choice. What rubbish! As a good Christian, below are five reasons I think Aunty Linda should ‘goan’ marry:

  1. She is 35 years old. Yes, Old cargo. She needs to get married soon, or no man will want her again. And that is the worst thing that could ever happen to any woman. In fact, I have heard that not getting married leads to a disease, I cannot recall the exact name, but it is really bad.
  2. The beauty/crown/life/social acceptance of a woman is her husband. Yes, any woman who is not married will eventually turn ugly, no matter how beautiful she is. Look at Oprah for example – very ugly. And these other women…erm, er – I can’t remember their names. But you should know that they are all old and ugly and sad due to their lack of husbands.
  3. If you don’t marry, you cannot have children. Another priceless Nigerian truth. I think there is something called adoption, and another called IVF, but I do not know how they work yet, and frankly I think children gotten through any other means apart from sexual intercourse between married couples are children of the devil, and will not do well in life. Therefore marriage is the only answer.
  4. She needs a man to take care of her. Imagine all that wealth and power in the hands of a woman. God forbid! She cannot possibly manage it on her own, no! She needs a man to take care of her. She needs to sign over everything she has on the night of the marriage, so the man will not feel intimidated.
  5. I am hungry.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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43 comments

  1. Don’t mind Linda. She’ll be there chopping money instead of getting married!! I think she’s too proud to stay in a man’s house!! Mtscheeew!

  2. What is concerning us with Aunty Linda again? I thought she already went to see the pastor about this… In other news, people should leave our hardworking auntie alone jor.

  3. Wait, Titus now has just 2 pieces of fish? Let’s start a hashtag to #BringBackOurFish

  4. But when she finds husband and is ready to pack into his house, will she not need to pack along the 450/500/600/800 million naira house? #AskingForAFriend

  5. Hahaha!!! But nna mehn!!! Did you see her bedroom?? *faints*

  6. Aswear ehn…..d house is unnecessarily huge…..it is her money we know,but she can buy an estate and get generate more money…..#Accountant in me talking sha

  7. Very hilarious! Walter you forgot to mention unmarried women go to hell by Nigerian standards. Is that not what pushes girls to go into abusive relationships/marriages with their eyes wide open and their two left legs? It is a cardinal sin not to get married in Naija!

  8. Aunty Linda, I know you are waiting for me, which is good. Just wait a little more, am coming to crown your head or something sha.

  9. Chika apply na so that number 5 can be solved for life eh.

  10. Hilarious. People need to start investing the energy they expend dissing people into their own lives. Abeg, Aunty Linda, buy another house just for the kicks of it.

  11. Am still suffering from the shock of finding out Titus Sardine now has only TWO PIECES of FISH !! OH my world!!! …this hurts!!

  12. No. 5 got me cracking up real hard! ? ? ?
    Don’t worry Chika. I’m sure you will be part of her bridal train next year. Lols!

  13. ahahah…. Chika na just certified black clown!… wait!, just two fish? ye are joking, and Othelo have how
    many?

    who said a woman is nothing without a man again?… hehehe fanny people.

  14. Hahaha haha. Sarcasm wey dey here eh

  15. Lol!
    I love this…
    Sometimes you wonder at the mechanism of some people’s thought processes

  16. The Challenge is for you guys. Goan propose to her naa. If I was a boy…
    By the way, if Beyonce finally got married I’m sure aunty Linda’s JayZ is somewhere around the corner.

  17. d guy will have to move in with her @Mandy. keep giving Aunty Linda hope about her JayZ bin around….cos her papa get Jayzeee’s 4 sale with all diz power@fifi

  18. 6). I am jobless

  19. For someone to buy a 500/600 million naira mansion, net worth should be at least a billion naira or two (assuming the someone has common sense). We know many money-bags with that kinda dough, but not many of them are single guys unattached to some “appendages”.

    In a way, Sister Linda’s chances just did fitfam and got slim, but hey, Jesus Christ is still the lord. He can still doorit! 35 is just a number!! Soon, later or very much later, she’ll unveil her billionaire boyfriend/fiancé just the way she unveiled the mansion. We will rejoice with her.

    Even though I’ve written an epistle (as if it is my money), let it be known that I’m more concerned with the Titus reduction in cans. I’m solidly in support of the #BringBackOurFish movement.

  20. I hope aunty chika (jones..if that isnt a fake last name) is married. And i hope it was at 15. Linda should gaan marry cos shes 35 ba, 2moro yu cry woman emancipation and talk about pursuing ur dreams. And if yu know anything about banana island you’ll know she bought one of the small houses that you may never ‘see’. Yimu!

  21. 5. I’m hungry. ????????

  22. I have laughed myself into oblivion today. Thank God my tummy is full. Linda!!!Goan marry o, biko because this our money is too much for you. Imagine. lol.

  23. nna ehn!!!!
    lets do d #bringbackourfish

  24. I am hungry too!!! ROTFLMAO

  25. Buahahahahahahahah

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