Yes, I am going to talk about Aunty Linda. You don’t just buy a house worth 450/500/600/800 (depending on which blog you read) million naira and expect us not to talk.
A house! Not houses! One house! Huge or not, it is still one house.
Speaking from my knowledge of growing up in a ‘Face me, I face you’ house, I would like to point out with authority that you were duped. Yes, Aunty Linda – Duped! Does the house clean itself? Is it portable? Does it talk to you on those cold nights when you need a . . . . .
Aha! Interesting, isn’t it? I never actually planned to talk about the fact that she is not married, even though that has been the raging topic of discussion, never mind that we are about to get the same set of saints we have had since the inception of Nigeria as ministers. No. Never mind that Boko Haram has not been stopped and may not be stopped for a long time. Never mind that our girls have not yet been brought back. Never mind that Titus Sardine now has just two pieces of fish in it. No.
Instead, we deemed it fit to spend the week discussing Linda Ikeji’s marital status. This is really, really annoying, in fact it is so disgustingly annoying, that I will discuss Linda Ikeji’s marital status.
So some very unchristian minds had the temerity to insinuate that getting married is her choice. What rubbish! As a good Christian, below are five reasons I think Aunty Linda should ‘goan’ marry:
- She is 35 years old. Yes, Old cargo. She needs to get married soon, or no man will want her again. And that is the worst thing that could ever happen to any woman. In fact, I have heard that not getting married leads to a disease, I cannot recall the exact name, but it is really bad.
- The beauty/crown/life/social acceptance of a woman is her husband. Yes, any woman who is not married will eventually turn ugly, no matter how beautiful she is. Look at Oprah for example – very ugly. And these other women…erm, er – I can’t remember their names. But you should know that they are all old and ugly and sad due to their lack of husbands.
- If you don’t marry, you cannot have children. Another priceless Nigerian truth. I think there is something called adoption, and another called IVF, but I do not know how they work yet, and frankly I think children gotten through any other means apart from sexual intercourse between married couples are children of the devil, and will not do well in life. Therefore marriage is the only answer.
- She needs a man to take care of her. Imagine all that wealth and power in the hands of a woman. God forbid! She cannot possibly manage it on her own, no! She needs a man to take care of her. She needs to sign over everything she has on the night of the marriage, so the man will not feel intimidated.
- I am hungry.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones