Home / Featured / HUMOUR COLUMN: Letter To The White Man That Explains The Fuel Scarcity

HUMOUR COLUMN: Letter To The White Man That Explains The Fuel Scarcity

Dear White Friend,

I will first of all thank you for being a true friend to me, despite the highly probable odds that I am trying to defraud you, like most of my kinsmen. I salute your bravery.

For the past five days, I know you have been trying desperately to reach me, and I’m deeply sorry, I do hope this silence will not affect our friendship or my chances of leaving this country.

You see, we had fuel scarcity in Nigeria. What you see in the news is only partially correct; do not be overly perturbed by such phrases as ‘winding down’ or ‘grinding to a halt’. Let me explain it to you clearly.

Petroleum and its products are our major resources as a nation, apart from the ability to generate memes at rates faster than the speed of light. Now every once in a while, we have fuel scarcity, it is almost like our own special natural disaster, since the tsunamis and tornadoes are for you people. There are two reasons for the fuel scarcity.

One, sometimes the government of my country is in a tight spot, maybe someone somewhere became greedy and did not share the kick-backs proportionately, or  he looked at this person’s wife ‘one kain’ – this can mean anything from a lecherous wink to butt-grabbing. Then, all hell is let loose, and the offended party decides to childishly ‘go and tell’. Our News media spreads it, adding layers, so that by the time the people hear it, 1 million could be 7 jillion and a simple ‘hello’ could be rape. This leads to mass outcry, mostly in form of tweets. Now if the culprit has a history of not splitting the loot properly, or wife snatching, the government will let his head roll, he will be hung to dry, so the people can see him, and several other unrelated offences will be pinned on him. He may go to jail, and the sentence will be directly proportionate to his crime – the more he stole, the less the sentence. And the people will rest. However, if he is a first time offender, or he is too big a fish to be fried, then fuel scarcity is introduced. Why? So that, after Nigerians leave their homes by 4am and spend half the day trying to get fuel at triple the normal price, then trek home empty-handed at 12am, they will be too tired to ask for food, let alone ask for justice.

Secondly, sometimes, there is really no fuel. By this, I mean, no fuel for anyone not lucky enough to be in power; it sounds embarrassing, right? It’s almost like walking into a chocolate shop in your country, and they are out of chocolates. The only difference is the owner may be embarrassed, while the Nigerian government does not have that expression in its repertoire.

To be honest, I am not sure which of the above reasons caused the last five days’ fuel scarcity, but rest assured that things are back to normal, and we have all forgiven the government its sins.

So, last time I asked you to explain why the Nat Geo Wild people go into forests to LOOK for wild animals. Please how is that not madness?

Yours Faithfully,

Chika Jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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17 comments

  1. My Onyeocha won’t find this piece funny at all o. She’s already jittery about the unstable response she’s been getting from me since last weekend. Thank God normalcy has returned. Back to business. 😀

    • shakespeareanwalter

      See am. You sure you’re not one of those yahoo-yahoo boys we should be giving side-eye to? *hand hovering over speedial to EFCC*

  2. chikaaaaa, you eye the wife somehow and the media carries the story, got me laughing this morning

  3. Lol…nice one.

    But really… why do Nat Geo Wild people go into forests to LOOK for wild animals?

  4. ROTFLMAO chai this pikin has killed me oooo…. But to be honest though, i can totally relate with this 100%. See me trying to explain this fuel scarcity madness and ‪#‎AintGotNoFuelForThat‬ to some of my white friends. It wasn’t funny at all.

    Chika Jones (is Bridget Jones your sister or cousin?) Don’t let me catch you ooo

    That NatGeo part tho, you just had to make your white friend that there are different types of craze/madness in case he wants to climb his high horse abi?

  5. Hehehehehehehehehhehehehe…….this is hilarious…choi! I absolutely love it! The ending abt nat geo wide people did it for me…I don’t know what they are looking for! Thanks writer. Walter you are a correct dude,i will find wife for you! Meanwhile, nepa just brought light!!!!

  6. **In deep thought**

    Hmmmmmmn!

    Nwata a jikwa okwu………

    Mr Onyeocha, I hope you have heard oh?

    Ngwa, zaa anyi ajuju anyi juru!

    What doeth thou in d bush searching for anuofia?

    Till u answer that question…………. ESPEAKELEKWE OZO!

  7. Dear lawd, this was hilarious. I usually think it’s madness too, the whole forest research stuff.

  8. They go there to study animals, and not just to look at them. It’s a lovely thing to do though.

  9. Lol
    Maybe they should just come to naija instead…

  10. Obinna Omotayo Jones

    Fuel is back? As wow! Some developing stories just met untimely deaths. So its that white girl that’s responsible for those cash you’ve been sending to me? God bless her.

  11. Hahahahhahaha @ Oyibo looking at wild animals. Dear author, I’m as lost as u r as to why we had to suffer such pain from the hands of a privileged few.

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