Dear White Friend,
I will first of all thank you for being a true friend to me, despite the highly probable odds that I am trying to defraud you, like most of my kinsmen. I salute your bravery.
For the past five days, I know you have been trying desperately to reach me, and I’m deeply sorry, I do hope this silence will not affect our friendship or my chances of leaving this country.
You see, we had fuel scarcity in Nigeria. What you see in the news is only partially correct; do not be overly perturbed by such phrases as ‘winding down’ or ‘grinding to a halt’. Let me explain it to you clearly.
Petroleum and its products are our major resources as a nation, apart from the ability to generate memes at rates faster than the speed of light. Now every once in a while, we have fuel scarcity, it is almost like our own special natural disaster, since the tsunamis and tornadoes are for you people. There are two reasons for the fuel scarcity.
One, sometimes the government of my country is in a tight spot, maybe someone somewhere became greedy and did not share the kick-backs proportionately, or he looked at this person’s wife ‘one kain’ – this can mean anything from a lecherous wink to butt-grabbing. Then, all hell is let loose, and the offended party decides to childishly ‘go and tell’. Our News media spreads it, adding layers, so that by the time the people hear it, 1 million could be 7 jillion and a simple ‘hello’ could be rape. This leads to mass outcry, mostly in form of tweets. Now if the culprit has a history of not splitting the loot properly, or wife snatching, the government will let his head roll, he will be hung to dry, so the people can see him, and several other unrelated offences will be pinned on him. He may go to jail, and the sentence will be directly proportionate to his crime – the more he stole, the less the sentence. And the people will rest. However, if he is a first time offender, or he is too big a fish to be fried, then fuel scarcity is introduced. Why? So that, after Nigerians leave their homes by 4am and spend half the day trying to get fuel at triple the normal price, then trek home empty-handed at 12am, they will be too tired to ask for food, let alone ask for justice.
Secondly, sometimes, there is really no fuel. By this, I mean, no fuel for anyone not lucky enough to be in power; it sounds embarrassing, right? It’s almost like walking into a chocolate shop in your country, and they are out of chocolates. The only difference is the owner may be embarrassed, while the Nigerian government does not have that expression in its repertoire.
To be honest, I am not sure which of the above reasons caused the last five days’ fuel scarcity, but rest assured that things are back to normal, and we have all forgiven the government its sins.
So, last time I asked you to explain why the Nat Geo Wild people go into forests to LOOK for wild animals. Please how is that not madness?