I am not saying Nigerians have are genetically programmed to lie, please do not get me wrong. I am only saying that our main natural resource as a nation is no longer oil, or even humor. It is falsehood. What is it with the inability of my countrymen to be entirely truthful about their real age or what they had for breakfast?
Ahmed Musa, the Super Eagles captain, celebrated his 23rd birthday, and his younger brother celebrated his 27th. Taiye Taiwo, the Nigerian left footer, has a twin brother who is about ten years older than he is. I always thought twins were kids born on the same day, obviously I was wrong. Thank you, Taiye, for that lesson in Biology. (This is one reason I can never take the victory of the Golden Eaglets seriously. Have you seen them playing against a South American team? They look like SS3 boys playing against JSS1 boys. Cheats)
But I have a serious question. What is wrong with Vincent Enyeama? Yes, we know Oliseh did not attend your mother’s burial and he did not accord you the respect due a captain, and he even asked security to throw you out. But is it because of these small things you are vexing? Are you not Nigerian again? We are the country of shit swallowers; you should have swallowed the shit dished out to you and stayed with the national team. Well, if we had lost to Cameroon, after losing to Congo, Nigerians would have rallied behind you, but unfortunately we won. So everybody except me thinks you are very, very stupid. But all hope is not lost. Wait until we lose three straight matches, and they will all come begging for you to come back. Just wait.
Back to lying.
Alamieyeseigha pulled a Caitlyn Jenner, before we knew what a Caitlyn Jenner meant. He was still facing charges of corruption before he reportedly died. I say reportedly, because in Nigeria, you can never be too sure of a person’s death. So, Nigerians have gone on the social media to petition that Alamieyeseigha be made a saint. That he was upright, upstanding, up-everything in fact, he never stole a dime.
Fashola built a website with the same amount some people never touch in their entire lives, yet today he stood before the Senate and denied it all. Now, I am not saying he is lying. I am only saying the website is in his name and was commissioned by him.
And on a final note, as a Nigerian, I put it to you that I did not write this article, I swear.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones