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HUMOUR COLUMN: How to Survive Nigeria

In case you have been living in a remote village, where trade by barter is still in use, I have an announcement to make: Nigeria is in trouble!

Well, we have always been in trouble, but right now, things are looking particularly grim, as we can see from the fact that if you were to give a full-grown Nigerian man the pocket money of a five-year-old child in the American middle class, he might be reduced to tears of gratitude. So let us just say that things are bad.

If you think I am writing to proffer a solution, you are quite wrong. The aim here is as always to waste time. I would have said things will improve with time, but we all know that is a lie. Things do not ever improve, we only get used to them. Things will get so bad, that the government will start mass-producing suicide ropes. Buy five, get one free. So brace yourselves. But while we wait for that time, let us look at ways we can pretend to help ourselves:

1. Yahoo-Yahoo

Right now I am advocating that it be changed to Google-Google, since only old people have yahoo mail these days. We are still discussing this in the association. So yes, you can join us to help yourself a little. All you need is a laptop and an internet connection. Also a lack of human empathy and great fashion sense is a plus in this business. And don’t forget an email address. You can reach us at any university in the country, thanks.

2. Politics

Well this is one way you can remain unaffected, even when the ropes are been mass produced. In fact, you will still be campaigning and be promising better suicide ropes. All you need is an ability to lie, a pot belly and a total lack of shame. A godfather or seven is an added advantage.

3. Blogging

For this one, you have to talk to Walter, who owns this blog. The goal is to copy and paste as much information from the web, and hope that you get paid for it. Few people make it really big in this venture, but if you do make it big, you will likely be able to afford a house on Banana Island. Zero writing skills are required, just an adept use of ‘Ctrl C’ and ‘Ctrl V’.

Other ways to survive this illustrious country include:

Don’t be born into Nigeria.

Travel out of Nigeria.

Suicide. (My personal favorite)

If you think of any other ways, do let me know.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Is my country this bad and hopeless? Then what will there be for the future generations if suicide is the best way for now? Oh I guess the future won’t exist right?

    • It has always been like this. The present generation always say things are bad and that there is no hope for future generations.

      My grandparents said it, my parents say it and now I muttering the same thing under my breath.

      But the thing is, we are resilient and resourceful people and always find away to survive.

      But that bloggers “cut & paste ” jibe, sha..Not cool.?

  2. Chika Jones, you humour took a bit of a grim turn with this one. Then again, when it concerns Nigeria, it’s always grim. That’s why we are so beloved with humour. And why, I suspect, we’ll survive.

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