Hello fellow Nigerians, yes, yes, I feel bad too. One hundred and forty-five naira per liter wasn’t what we were expecting, was it? Well, break out the bicycles, people. It’s time to go back to 1984.
Now, let us discuss the Dos and Don’ts of Bicycle Riding. This is to prepare you for the inevitable and also to waste your time.
RULE NUMBER 1: You have to know how to ride a bicycle. Yes, it does not have an engine, but a bicycle is two times more likely to kill you than a car. So just like you go for car driving lessons, you have to go for bicycle riding lessons. So you can learn vital lessons like how to turn properly, how to signal before turning and the perfect time to jump off the bicycle as the truck with failed brakes approaches. I cannot recommend any training centers immediately, but you can look into setting up one; that’s a million-naira idea I just gave out for free.
RULE NUMBER 2: You can only give one person a lift at a time. So all those people that crowd at the junction waiting for you to come out so you can give them a lift in your car will now have to be patient. Since you can only pick one person at a time, you might find yourself making five or six trips, after which you can now proceed to your own workplace – that is, if you still have one by then, your choice.
RULE NUMBER 3: Just as a car is not a car, a bicycle is not a bicycle. So if you are currently the proud owner of a Range Rover, then please do not just go for any random bicycle. You have to go for the Range Rover of bicycles, something so expensive that when people see you pedaling furiously on the express on your way to work, they can ignore the sweat patches under your armpit and admire the sleekness of the bicycle.
RULE NUMBER 4: Of course, I do not need to tell you that you will need two sets of clothes per day, one to get to work in and another to work in. A shower would also be advisable, if your workplace has the facilities. So all you have to pack from home are your toiletries so you can freshen up at work. For women, this would mean two bicycles, one for them to ride in and the other to carry their toiletries.
RULE NUMBER 5: Finally, if you are not currently driving a pink car, do not buy a pink bicycle. We have to maintain a measure of decorum; we want only black bicycles. When America sends drones to take pictures of us using their satellites, we don’t want Third Mainland Bridge to look like the inside of a sausage, so they can laugh at us on our pink bicycles. Black bicycles only please.
Please do not delay, buy that bicycle today, for in a few months, we will have bicycles the price of a Range Rover.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones