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HUMOUR COLUMN: Everything In Nigeria Will Kill You

I will start off by stating a fundamental truth: Life is hard.

You should thank me for revealing this truth. Most people discover this truth between the ages of 1-26, around 3pm. This of course depends on where you were born. Children in Ajegunle discover this truth the night they turn one.

However despite the above stated truth, it has come to my notice that life is harder in Nigeria. Like Ayo Sogunro once said, either in a moment of brilliant genius, or after six bottles of Orijin, ‘Everything in Nigeria will kill you.’

Where do we begin?

Ah, yes…

INTERNET CONNECTION

Does it not bother anyone else that MTN can ruin your relationship due to slow or bad internet connection? Or that in every house, there is always just one spot with the best internet connection, and that spot is usually the most uncomfortable corner in the house? So that usually, you have to stand on your head and bend your neck and hand a certain way to download a picture of 125KB. If you dare download a song of about 6MB, you’ll need doctors to straighten you by the time you are done.

ELECTRICITY

It will take all the pages of the Encyclopedia Britannica to state the annoyances caused by the lack of sufficient power supply in this country. So suffice to say that in Nigeria, the below is a totally normal conversation.

Q: O boi! How you dey? (Loosely translated, this can mean anything from a simple ‘How are you?’ to a subtle ‘Where is the money you owe me?’)

A: My brother, light no dey o.

POLICE

If you are as jobless as I am, you could take your time to google the possible causes of traffic jams. What you will find is that all over the world, there are a million-and-one possible causes of traffic jams, but only in Nigeria is it possible that traffic jams are caused by policemen begging/asking/extorting money from motorists. The Nigerian Police are famous for doing the exact opposite of their job description. They are supposed to serve and protect; instead they oppress and endanger.

POLICE (2)

Just in case a policeman is reading this: the above is a JOKE o! Yes, this is a humour column. It won’t happen again, sir. Thank you, sir.

MUSIC

Nigerian musicians have now made it clear that it is all about the beat. Once you get a really good beat, by which I mean, a beat made by a popular but not necessarily good producer, you can yell nonsense for all of four minutes, state your account balance, the names of seven expensive cars and why you like big booty, and instantly you have got a hit track.

Anyway, folks, network has become really slow, my laptop battery is low and there is no power. So we shall have to continue this discussion later.

 Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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12 comments

  1. Michael cyprian O.

    Chuka Jones you’ve made me laugh. God bless you

  2. Lol… Someone is scared of being arrested.

  3. Hahahahahahahahahahaa. You had to apologize to Police but not to MTN or Dbanj them, eh? Issokay o.

  4. i just had to stop laughing befre i forget wat m reading for my test

    • shakespeareanwalter

      My dear, better dont stop laughing o. Your exam cannot fit to become one other thing that’ll kill you in Nigeria.

  5. Mandy, you had to go and name the most confused of them all. chika tuale.

  6. The music part is so true! Sometimes I wonder how they write their musics..smh

  7. no be lie you talk for all dis wans o. even sef lite no dey now. na because of phcn i switch from beta workstation to regular lappy make battery for tey small…so i go fit read de column sef.

  8. lol…chika u also forgot to add that the education system in Nigeria can kill somebody

  9. Nice one…

  10. Haha. Good one, had to hold my laughter when I read the ajegunle children part.

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