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HUMOUR COLUMN: Count Your Blessings

Hello, guys, have you all seen Atiku’s garri picture? Look for it, it’s really nice, shows you how his government policy will be. Meanwhile, I salute all those campaigning for Buhari or Atiku, or whoever else is running for presidency; you people are so intelligent and informed. Half the time i don’t even know what I want for breakfast. Nigeria is really blessed, I guess that’s why fuel is scarce again.

We receive unexpected blessings every day, these blessings are sometimes little, sometimes big, but they always brighten our lives mostly because we aren’t expecting them. It’s that element of surprise that does it. Like when your girlfriend says she doesn’t even like iPhone 6, that delirious joy that fills your heart when she says, “Ahn-ahn, how will a phone be so expensive, what does it do? Fly?” Tell me this doesn’t make you want to turn cartwheels. God bless such girls, right? I mean it’s not like the phone has a ten year warranty, or does it? Anyway, you now know the type of blessings I mean now.

Like when, in spite of the warnings of your stomach, you followed the sweet aroma of the beans your wife cooked into taking yet another helping… Now the problem is not even the fact that you did this at 7am and then rushed off to the office, because it’s what you do usually. You get to the office, lock yourself in, telling your secretary you do not want to be disturbed for one hour, and then after putting on the AC, you let loose every few minutes, until the entire office is covered in a dense fog, such that all life forms not weighing above 1kg die off. Then after about two hours, it’s over, and you commence the work for the day.

No, not that.

Today, five minutes, after you begin this ritual, your secretary, who knows how unsafe it is to enter your office at such a time, calls and says there is an urgent board meeting in five minutes. You put on your suit and run down to the boardroom, cursing at your wife and yourself for eating beans. When everyone is seated, you look around and see that it is no ordinary meeting. Here are those in whose hands the future of your career lies. You put on a serious face, while inside you are praying in various languages and clenching the muscles of your buttocks so tight, a sheen of sweat appears on your forehead.

But there are different types of beans, my brother. And it would have been better if your boss wasn’t sitting right beside you. So then it comes. You try your best to kill it. But it escapes the clenching, smooth as silk, silent as a thief in the night. First, you want to thank God that it was silent. Then you realize the silent ones are the worst. You hold your breath, waiting for your boss to frown at you and then tell you to leave. Five seconds, eight, ten. Nothing. Then you take a breath, and you smile. It’s not smelling, you cannot believe it. It’s one of those very rare farts, silent and without odor. It’s like the metaphoric tree in the forest, it never happened.

Count those blessings when they come to you, one by one.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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16 comments

  1. For those of us who love eating beans, the humorous scenario painted, oblivious as it may seem, is indeed a blessing.Thanks for this.

  2. Toby u are guilty right? No wonder ur roommate buys air fresher almost every 4 days. Meanwhile u never rili told us how u won d argument with ur boss; the methods, tactics or even d most likely surrender.

  3. *singing in Aba accent. Caaaant ya blessing name dem wan by wan….
    Chika, you are certifiable, mbok. Keep it up!!!

  4. You are welcome Sir Vic

  5. lol.. It’s hilarious, but it would be easier to just excuse urself..

  6. LOL. It takes being there to fully grasp the devastation the silent but odoriferous gases can do. The proverb is true after all: empty barrel makes the loudest noise (silent fart gives the cruelest smell. KJV).

    I laughed hard on this one. Nice.

  7. Nice, very nice…let me start caaaaanting my blessings…

  8. Haha! This one cracked me up

  9. Holy Rigatoni! You coulda fooled me Chika, you coulda; but you didn’t! Not quite! I beheld that title and I chuckled! I wasn’t wrong after all,I mean; the kinda ‘blessings’ stated right here leaves a lot to the imagination! Plus, who in their right minds chow down on beans, known in students’ gatherings as ‘Oh God’ ni early ‘mo mo’?! Dat one na die na! Tufia! And em….Atiku, Buhari abi?! Some ‘blessings’ those are! Nigeria, the ‘blessed’ land of the greats! *laughing*

    Hilarious this, thanks for sharing! Thumbs up!

  10. hahahahahahahaha…chei!

  11. Choi., *farts*… This iz damm funny. I never even read any post 4 humor column b4. Where have I been all these while?

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