The first time is almost always the most difficult. You have no idea why you are doing it, or how she is going to react, or what will happen afterwards. It’s all so scary and confusing.
The second time is a bit better. You at least have a list of likely outcomes in your head. But it is a different girl, usually, so you can never be exactly sure.
By the time you get around to the fifth time, you are a pro. You know the why, the how and the most likely outcome. That is when you need to be most careful. You do know what I am talking about, right?
Heartbreak! Yes, the best way to break a girl’s heart. By the fifth time, I think you are now ready to teach others, and in this Nigerian economy, I think you should even make your potential students pay for the classes. Romance in Nigeria almost always requires money, and given the current state of things, this lesson is what you really need. Since I cannot tell you how to get fuel.
Step 1: FIND OUT WHY
The most common rookie mistake of the first time heartbreaker is not knowing why he is about to do what he is about to do. He is confused as to why he spent three months chasing after her, graduating from friend to brother zone, ignoring the texts not replied and enduring the occasional weeks of silence, only to want to break up with her after just five minutes.
The answer to why is this, follow me closely here: Men are stupid. This is not to say that women are not. But since we are talking about men here, then one stupid at a time please. Once the rookie understands that there is really no sane explanation for what he is about to do, he can quickly move to the next step.
Step 2: HOW?
If you have read this far, then you deserve a bottle of anything. (Sorry, it won’t be chilled, we haven’t had light since Buhari decided that travelling was the best way to rule the country). So how? The rookie at this point will be honest. The expert, after five tries, knows that honesty is not the best policy at this point. So you lie, you use the same magic words, that almost every stupid man in history has used:
“It is not you, it is me, I am the problem.”
Those words are usually a lie, unless of course you are the problem, which I honestly think you are. But regardless, tell her those words, and you are genuinely on your way to being an expert heartbreaker. Add things like, “I don’t deserve you”, “I don’t think I am ready” etc. Say it like you mean it, preferably over the phone. No good has ever come out of doing it face to face. After the breakup, avoid places where you could run into her, like the church, the mall, earth etc.
Step 3: THE OUTCOME
Well, this is the diciest part. Even the expert heartbreaker is never exactly sure what to expect, but most times he can narrow it down. The following outcomes are usually dependent on a couple of factors. So ask yourself: Is she Edo? Can I risk not having children for the rest of my life? Or waking up in the morning with one foot the size of a skateboard?
Is she Yoruba? Is she part of a white garment church?
Is she Igbo? What part of Igboland is she from? Does she have brothers?
All this are very important questions. And the likely outcomes might include, but are not limited to:
An acid bath.
Cutting off of the penis.
Death (in extreme cases).
But don’t be scared, just move to a different zip code, and the only thing you might need to worry about is a curse hanging over your head for the rest of your life – if you believe in such things.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones