Written by Sara K. Runnels and originally published on mcsweeneys.net
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. #CreationGoals #EarthIsBae
Now the earth was formless and basic, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was lowkey hovering over the waters.
And God said, “Let there be light,” and it was lit AF.
God saw that the light was so extra, so He separated the light from the darkness (for aesthetic), then bragged it was hashtag no filter.
God called the light “day,” then threw some shade and called it “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first truly #blessed day.
Then God, who was L-I-V-I-N-G for this, said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.”
So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it like it was NBD.
God called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning — the second #blessed day, and the first #TransformationTuesday.
Then God was like, “You know TFW you should let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear?” (He whispered yaaasssss to Himself.)
So God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas,” and he created a cute geofilter for each of them.
Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, so no one ever gets hangry.” Then God LOL’d.
The land produced vegetation; mostly ingredients for green juice and wine, TBH.
Then there was evening, and there was morning — the third day. And God added it to his Instagram Story.
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Then God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years,” which was sus considering He gave everyone the same amount of time in a day as Beyoncé (another deity).
Then God, a natural UX Designer, made two great lights — the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. And, because God has no chill, he also made the stars.
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God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. Then he binge-watched The Stars on Netflix. #Sponsored #Ad
And there was evening, and there was morning — the fourth day. And God was v tired from adulting so hard.
God tweeted, “RT if you think I should let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky,” even though He had no followers (yet).
But God created these next-level creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems IRL anyway. And God had all the feels.
Then God, woke as ever, said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth,” which was v v on brand for God.
And there was evening, and there was morning — the fifth day. And God wrote a quick essay about it on Medium.
Then, because God was in #beastmode, He said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals.” But He only selfied with the most adorbs ones.
God made the wild animals according to their kinds. And God saw to it that these creatures would bring joy (and fear) across the land and live eternally in memes across the internet.
Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may SLAAAYYYYYY over all the non-humans,” which was a pretty savage thing to say.
So God created humankind in His own image of #squadgoals; male and female and gay and lesbian and bisexual and queer and transgender and whatever anyone wanted. He created them all equally thirsty AF.
God blessed His fam and shouted, “YOLOOOOOOO.” And then spilled the tea about life on earth.
God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. But don’t buy too much avocado toast, or you will never be able to afford a house.” And they were shook.
“And to all the creatures of the earth, even the internet trolls and ratchet THOTs — everything that has the breath of life in it — I give every green plant for food.” And they all said, “OMG, preach!” and went to brunch.
God saw all that He had made, and He literally couldn’t even.
And there was evening, and there was morning. And God was like, for heaven’s sake! This place is cray, I’m OUTTTT! ✌? And he requested an Uber, and it was so.