Hello, guys, it’s John Ocean again, yes that John Ocean, and no thank you, I did not. So, the Met Gala came and went, and I loved every minute of it. I did not want any secondhand stories, so I had to buy black market *sigh* to charge the inverter the day before, and then still filled the generator tank for the day (only Nigerians will understand). I mean, this is the Oscars of Fashion. We cannot leave matters in the hands of PHCN.
The red carpet did not disappoint. These ladies (and gentlemen) brought their A-game. Not minding a few disappointments, I was reminded that our stars on this side of the planet are light years behind on the fashion stakes. Meanwhile, when I saw Kris Jenner, I was positive Kanye had nude photos of Anna Wintour that he is using to blackmail her, because Kris has no place at the Met Gala. Anna had previously said she does not invite reality TV stars to the event, because she does not consider them actors. But then, Kanye blackmailed her into letting Kim attend last year. Now Mama Kris this year. No nau! Kanye is blackmailing Anna. Simple! And I shall find out why.
Anyway, let’s delve into some fashion with my Hits, Misses and the ‘Erm…Okay’. Feel free to disagree where necessary.
She came like a warrior with blazing guns to a pistol fight, which is really not surprising, considering she played Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. The Philip Treacy headpiece was amazing and I believe this picture was what Alicia Keys had in mind when she did the ‘This Girl Is On Fire’ song.
I think she embodied the theme of the event very well and looked like a Chinese goddess coming down to destroy the Kardashians.
They both wore arty gowns and coordinated their outfits in a sort of Goth-sexy way and I loved it. I especially love Madonna, that woman keeps defying her age! She is the real queen. #NoShade
It was very refreshing to see her in this Zac Posen dress. I nearly stood up to clap when she walked in; the short hair was a fresh take. She looks like a good witch that will give you the potion to land that hot university teacher we have been gushing about. Getting rid of Tom Cruise was clearly the best decision she made.
Bravo! BRAVO! Forget the hilarious memes you saw online, Rihanna knocked it out of the park in this yellow Guo Pei dress. I mean, she is a star. The dress and its insane train fit very well with the theme of the event, and most importantly, she was wearing the dress and not the dress wearing her.
Riri is a risk taker in fashion, and in my opinion, she has had more misses than hits. But this time around, she hit a high note perfectly.
Now this look is very controversial and had a lot of mixed reviews, but it was a win to me. I know it looks like she brought a shield to battle Jay Z, but Solange is a fashion girl and this is a very fashion forward dress at a very fashion forward event. If anybody can pull off this look without coming across as trying too hard, it is Solange.
This is a win for me.
Okay I like the new Bieber; his underwear ads have left me hot and flustered. This is also a great look on him; the embroidered jacket was in line with the theme as they seem to have Chinese dragons drawn on them. I will however pretend he is not wearing SUN glasses at NIGHT, and totally ogle his hot body frame too. Good one, Justin, I was gonna send you over to the Twink lord for inspection, but he just proposed to me (yes I have a ring, any questions?). So I have decided against it.
This sharp babe came into Hollywood and stole its most eligible bachelor, breaking gazillions of hearts. She has also been finding herself on the style stakes and this layered red number is on point.
Take your eyes away from George Clooney for a moment and notice how the dress sparkles, her minimal jewelry and the hair. Amal is a star, no questions asked.
Okay, I know I am going to get bashed for putting her here *puts on bulletproof vest and smiles at the BeyHive* But Beyoncé has done this look way too many times, and it has gotten old. She wore something similar at the 2012 Met Gala as well as at the Oscars. I am actually bored by this, I need to see more.
Beyoncé does not need a lot of nudity, she is THE QUEEN! We get it, her body is banging, but there is such a thing as Too Much. We have seen enough of her in sheer…NEEEEEEEEEEEEXT! *in Marki Costello’s voice*
If your claim to fame is a sex tape, and if everywhere we turn, there is a nude picture of you, then maybe you should actually start wearing clothes on the red carpet, if you want to be taken seriously, that is. We have seen enough of Kim’s body to last a million years, like enough already.
One more thing, Kimmie, do not copy people’s looks. They were photographed too and WE WILL REMEMBER. #NoShade
I guess she has been in some futuristic movies, so much so that she already thinks it’s 2055. I believe this is how nuns will be looking in 2055, and Annie was kind enough to give us a sneak peek. This was very underwhelming and downright boring.
This is how you dress when you are half angel and half whore at the same time. I think that in heaven’s hoe district, there are angels who give blow jobs at street corners, and I strongly believe this is what they look like.
Meanwhile, is she getting fat?
Clearly these women thought they were going to the Golden Globes. I think the invitation (bearing the dress code) was sent to them via NIPOST, so they never got them. On account of this, we will forgive them.
She looks anemic! Good Lawd! This is a hideous dress which is complicated by her skinny – scratch that, bony body. Someone needs to sit this girl down and give her some food plus a bottle of Ranferon.
Where do I even start? I guess this look was geisha inspired, but bikonu, did she eat all the geisha in Shoprite? This dress does nothing whatsoever for her body. At a point, while she walked the carpet, I was certain the dress was going to turn into Aladdin’s carpet and fly away, leaving her stranded.
Lady Gaga wears art, but it has to look good please!!!
I think her own invitation says ‘Antique chic’, which is why she looks like a witch from 1922. This is a cringe worthy dress, the fabric is so heavy and looks like it is wearing her, the neck is so high and she still put on chandelier earrings… sigh.
If you are a woman and you pose with a man, who proceeds to look better than you, you should find your way to TB Joshua. Only he can fix this.
I understand that she tries to be different, but the thing with always trying to be (and sound) different at all times is that sometimes you fall flat on your face. This dress is like an art project at my two-year-old nephew’s school.
How many legs does she even have? Is a hand touching her boobs? And who wears an eggplant on their dress? This look was an epic fail and did not even resemble the theme in anyway. The dress looks like an exhibit in a rape case or something used to scare little children into eating their veggies.
Zendaya is a very pretty girl and yes, she is a fashion girl, but this dress is clearly wearing her in my opinion. She did not pull off this look, it completely overwhelms her. I see this dress and I think Rita Ora, Diane Krugger or Heidi Klum. Certainly not Zendaya! Sorry, but to me this was an epic fail. She should have chopped off that ridiculous train of her dress, unless that was her attempt at showing us what her vagina will look like when she gets old – red and trailing behind her.
*sigh* She was my best TV girl as Olivia Pope, before there was Annalise Keating, but she often stumbles style wise. This look was an epic fail in my opinion. For starters, the colour is too sweet for this event. And then the shape of the dress was like – OMG, was she planning to smuggle her Nigerian in-laws into America underneath this dress? The back sef looks like a parachute that will open up any moment. Why did she allow Prada do this to her?
*rolls eyes from Abuja to Atlanta* Like, can one ever avoid this woman and her family? They are always everywhere. The Kardashian matriarch looked so ridiculous in this dress, that she should not have bothered. I can tell she is wearing all the waist trainers in Calabasas, and that makes her look uncomfortable, plus that belt is not helping matters. Was she ever a wrestler? And a dress the same color as the carpet? Plus earrings that can serve as dumbbells? Lol. Aunty Kris, rest abeg.
Angelina Jolie holds the patent on the stuck-out-leg biko. And what’s up with her face? Stretched too tight… Botox uwa niile *long hiss*
Oh wow, the Salvation Army is clothing homeless people and sending them down red carpets. How noble of them.
I am going to die for this, but Anna, who is the holy grail of fashion, looks ridic in this get up. What was she going for? Christian-mother-blouse meets Rihanna-chic? Abeg, abeg! For the editor of the world’s biggest fashion bible, she fell flat on her face. She should have tied two Hollandis wrappers over that gown, at least to save face.
I believe this woman was a diehard party girl in her lifetime who died and had to get up just for the Met Gala. She was buried in her PJs anyways; that explains why she is wearing them, because that is what she came back from the dead in.
Too much money + too little style equals this. It seems to me that oyibo people clearly have their own version of Kaycee. #NnaBobosAnonymous
After careful consideration, my best dressed of the night goes to RIHANNA. She brought it this time around.
And the worst dressed is GRACE CODDINGTON. Girl, I know that this event has a geisha theme, but this event is for the living and not dead people in their PJs.
Written by John Ocean, a distant relative of Joan Rivers