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Fashion Police: The 89th Annual Academy Awards

Hello everyone, hope you have missed me. I am really sorry for bringing this a little late to you, but you know what they say: better late than never. So let’s do this, shall we, as we look at The Good, The Oh Well and The Oh No She Didn’t.

THE GOOD

PRIYANKA CHOPRAoscars priyanka chopraOne word: Perfection. Note to all the Nollywood gehs, this is how you do structure (Simi and co, I see una, I will treat una AMVCA fuck-up later). Priyanka let her dress do all the talking. This really is understated elegance. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

VIOLA DAVISoscars viola davisViola has become a woman after my own heart and she did not come to play this award season. Viola usually struggles with her fashion, but this 2017, it has been hit after hit. Everything about this dress screams glamour and this look makes me wanna cry. Red is hard to wear on the red carpet because you can easily blend into the red carpet, but she wore a different shade of red from the carpet; and let us just see where the dress hits the floor as she glides over. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

CHARLIZE THERONoscars charlize-theron-7ce53c19-9d5c-4f02-ad6c-9aab3703fb62I think that we can all agree that it’s time to kill the thigh-high slit. This would have been an amazing look, but I don’t think that slit did justice to the look.

JANELLE MONAEoscars janelle monaeThis dress is like nothing I have ever seen before. I think she has made fashion history. The color does not distract, the detailing is top notch and it balances demure with outlandish yet somehow retains a lot of glamour. Only very few women like Janelle herself can pull this off (maybe Rihanna too), and I must say that this is more than a dress; it’s a costume fit for a queen. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

HALLE BERRYoscars halle berryI wasn’t ready for all this juice; hair on fleek, dress on fleek, attitude on fleek! Black girl magic abeg! This is a gorgeous dress and Halle left it to do all the talking. (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

NICOLE KIDMAN89th Annual Academy Awards - ArrivalsI love this dress; it looks like its sheer but it’s not. The lining is the same color as her skin tone, so she looks sexy and sophisticated at the same time. The embellishments ensure she does not look washed out!

TARAJI P. HENSONoscars tarajiBow down, bishes! Queen Cookie has arrived and she is not your mate! This is a fantastic look, and like I’ve always said, velvet is one of the hardest fabrics to wear. But Ms. Henson owns it. The cut is perfect, the fit is perfect and those diamonds finish off the look beautifully. If a new stylist put her in this dress, she should marry the person abeg! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

CHRISSY TEIGENoscars chrissy-teigen-1e146c88-22ee-4437-a3ff-eb57dcbc6134Chrissy always gets it right anyway and she looks like a vision in white. Funny enough, her thigh-high slit works in this case. Or am I just biased because she trolls Trump often, which makes me very happy?

KARLIE KLOSSoscars karlie-kloss-oscars-2017-red-carpet-in-hollywood-4Lovely look, but I would have preferred it if she ditched the neck piece because it looks like she had an accident and was looking for a fashionable way to hold up her broken neck.

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THE OH WELL

BRIE LARSONoscars brie larsonThis is a very gorgeous dress, but unfortunately it did nothing for her figure. I think she is too young to pull off this look; I would put this dress on an older, curvier woman, like Halle Berry. Velvet is such a tricky fabric to pull off and this adds at least 20 years to her age.

EMMA STONEoscars emma stoneI’m actually very disappointed in Emma because I love her. This was her night, she was favored to win an Oscar, and then she shows up in one of the most underwhelming dresses ever and in a color that completely washes her out.  Except for her hair and makeup, there is nothing good about this mess.

NAOMIE HARRISoscars naomie-harris-superJumbo-v3I am a bit torn with this look; she looks like a cross between an angel and a wrestler; like if a wrestling match took place in heaven, I am sure the angels will come out clad like this. She has a banging body of course, but I don’t think the dimensions of this dress favored her. Let’s just assume she was running late and burned her blouse, so she just threw on a bra, pulled on her skirt, grabbed her bed sheets and took off before they locked the Oscars doors.

KIRSTEN DUNSToscars kirsten-dunst-oscars-2017-red-carpet-in-hollywood-3Until waist trainer will kill somebody one day, that is when you people will learn. She looks like she is about to pass out from anemia.

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THE OH NO SHE DIDN’T

ALICIA VIKANDERoscars alicia-vikanderShe looks like a Spanish witch! I don’t know how someone shows up to the Oscars in a dress that is totally wearing her. Not even her diamonds could save her from this mess. (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

DAKOTA JOHNSONoscars dakota-johnson-oscars-2017-red-carpet-in-hollywood-2Where do I even start? The fabric looks tacky, the fit is horrible, and with all the money, she has she couldn’t buy a pressing iron? Unless the Salvation Army got a homeless person to impersonate her… Because if this is really her, then it’s a big disaster. (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

MICHELLE WILLIAMSoscars michelle-williamsThe Oscars is a very glamorous event and I feel like if you are not going to bother to put an effort into dressing up, you should stay home and watch in your PJs with a bowl of chips. I don’t even know what she looks like.

SALMA HAYEKoscars salma-hayek-oscars-2017-red-carpet-in-hollywood-1Sorry aunty, but this is not werking! Kole werk abeg!

OCTAVIA SPENCERoscars Octavia_SpencerObviously, Octavia is not a slim woman. So I don’t know for the life of me who would have convinced her to fit into this mess. The dress makes her look fatter than she really is and added at least 15 years to her age. If the bottom half of this dress was done in black silk, this look would have been a winner, but as it is, she just looks like an ornament plucked off a Christmas tree. (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

GINNIFER GOODWINoscars ginnifer goodwinI don’t know who this girl is so I will assume that this is a sad drag queen from 1924. The people who let her through the gate should be flogged!

LESLIE MANNoscars leslie-mann-oscars-2017-red-carpet-in-hollywood-1I think she arrived via a hot air balloon and got entangled in it, but then she ran in like that as they were about to close the doors. Look at her face even, it says “oh shit” because she herself is not buying this mess. (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

EMMA ROBERTSoscars emma-roberts-oscars-2017-red-carpet-in-hollywood-4She just must have been attacked by dogs on her way to the show and they tore her dress. And then she had no other choice but to arrive in her slip. (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

CYNTHIA ERIVOoscars Cynthia-Erivo-2017-oscars-red-carpet-billboard-1240Something about this very vibrant print makes me very happy. Look at her hair too; this is obviously a carefree girl who doesn’t care what you guys think about her.

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After much consideration, my Best Dressed is Taraji P. Henson, who reminds us again that less is more. And my Worst Dressed is Octavia Spencer, who was nominated and chose to appear like confetti.

See you guys soon and sound off in the comments section.


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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4 comments

  1. Was wondering when this would come, john you no try this season.
    Please when is the AMVCA fashion police coming up cos I think Rita repeated her last year look and made it worse.

  2. OK, I agree. Those dresses are really hideous.

  3. 😂😂😂😂

  4. Best dressed: Janelle Monae
    Worst dresssed: Lelsie Mann

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