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Fashion Police: The 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards

Hello guys, it is John Oceans again. Yes, the fairy one who shows up during the award season. I’d been previously asked me to review the fashion from the Headies, but after going through photos upon photos, I gave up as there was hardly any fashion worth talking about there. Nigerian celebs have been falling hands since forever. The gods however compensated me when the Golden Globes came around, and I died and went to fashion heaven!

Here is my take on the winners, the losers and the “well, not so bad”. Feel free to disagree!

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THE WINNERS

JENNIFER LOPEZGG JLoJLO… More like Slay-lo! I like my JLo because she is a risk taker and wears some of the most difficult dresses to pull off. This look straddles the thin line between hot mess and hot dress, but I think she nailed it. The color is refreshing, her hair is refreshing as it wasn’t an up-do and the cape of the dress isn’t very typical, like Gwyneth Paltrow in that Dior. My girl slayed this look! I just wish she had skipped the diamonds, as it did nothing for this look. All round winner here though!

LADY GAGAGG Lady GagaThis woman was the one who sent me to my death which sent me to fashion heaven! I mean, when she came out onto the red carpet, I nearly dropped my beer! Ladies and gentlemen, ALL HAIL THE QUEEN!

Lady Gaga smashed it with a fashion hammer; she channeled old Hollywood/Marilyn Monroe and nailed it to perfection. She is very tiny so she can pull off a heavy fabric such as velvet. The color is perfect for her white-blonde hair and her minimal use of accessories is just the icing on the cake!

Don’t we love the new Gaga, who doesn’t look like an alien shipwrecked on earth? (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

TARAJI P. HENSONGG TarajiWhite is very hard to wear on the red carpet as it can easily go bridal, but this was a good one. I however wasn’t wowed by this look especially as the finishing of the dress wasn’t perfect. (Take a look at the bodice area). All in all, it was an okay look, and her minimal use of accessories was a winner!

On another note, I wasn’t happy she won over Viola.

JENNIFER LAWRENCEGG JLawTwo words: High fashion!

I would expect Diane Kruger or Solange to rock this dress, but I was stunned to see J.Law in it, and she was banging! Ladies and gentlemen, this is what an Oscar winner looks like! The color is gorg! The cut-outs are just perfect and the embellishment is wow (or is that a neck piece?) Way to go, girl! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

LAVERNE COXGG Laverne CoxBow down, bishes!

An angel came down from heaven to attend the globes! End of discussion! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

QUEEN LATIFAHGG Queen LatifahI love it when a butch lesbian lady embraces her femininity! The color is spectacular, the embellishments are just amazing! This is how you dress when you are plus-sized and still want to look glamorous! Yo Latifah, retain this stylist please.

CATE BLANCHETGG Cate Blanchett

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s observe a minute of silence because the queen of the Seven Galaxies has just arrived! *bows head for a minute*

I screamed when I saw her. Cate is a woman after my fashion heart! How one person manages to look glamorous ALL THE TIME in the most difficult-to-pull-off dresses amazes me! This is the queen! No questions asked! I’m sorry, what did you say? Bey-what? *sprays Mortein* (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

DENIS O’HAREGG Dennis O'HareI was going to shout, “Ehen! This is what I am talking about!” And then I saw his shoes! Let me just waka pass maka ndi political correctness, before some people will come and speak English now about masculine stereotypes!

BRAD GORESKIGG Brad GoreskiYum-yum! The velvet completely works! He upped the ante! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

Bhet wait fest, he is a stylist, abi? Why is he at the Globes?

HARRISON FORD AND CALISTA FLOCKHARTGG Harrison Ford and CalistaSomething about this couple makes me very happy; and they are my best couple of the night. Okay, maybe for reasons other than fashion.

JASON SUDEIKISGG Jason SudeikisI am sure you guys know that any man who rocks sneaks on the red carpet and who pulls it off is a man after my fashion heart. This is a winner for me!

BRYSHERE Y. GRAYGG BryshereI love the patterns in black on the black tux! The length of his pants is just perfect, which is something a lot of men always fail in! He should hire the stylist who did this! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

NATALIE DORMERGG Natalie DormerHelen of Troy came to the Globes – oh wait, it’s Natalie Dormer! The Grecian look is always a winner and she looks refreshing. The dress did all the talking as she kept her hair and accessories minimal. This is clearly a woman who knows that less is more! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

BRIE LARSONGG brie LarsonHOT! HOT!! HOT!!! Young Hollywood should take a page from her fashion book.

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THE “WELL NOT SO BAD”

EVA LONGORIAGG Eva LongoriaI was gonna shout slay. Then I looked at the fit of the dress and I wasn’t impressed anymore! It’s either she didn’t do a fitting or she lost weight after her last fitting. Just look at the upper part of a dress and see how she truncated her chance to be on the best dressed list! Such a gorgeous dress, and you had to ruin it, eh Eva?

KATY PERRYGG Katy PerryEhn! Just okay! Fits like a glove and I like the Cleopatra-inspired hair! Forgive my ignorance, but as a singer who’s not nominated, why again is she at the Globes?

ROONEY MARA73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - ArrivalsBeautiful dress in a wrong color! Completely washed her out! Very underwhelming!

EMILIA CLARKEGG EmiliaOh look, its Morticia Adams! NEEEEEEEEEEXT!

JANE FONDAGG Jane FondaTake a deep breath, John. Jane Fonda can do no wrong! We will pretend like she doesn’t look like she is attending a wedding in Jupiter! We love Jane! She can do no wrong!

GINA RODRIGUEZGG GinaI am sure you can afford an electric iron, darling. Don’t embarrass yourself like this next time!

AMY SCHUMERGG Amy SchumerFrom her size, you know she is always eating. So my guess is that she plans to hide some food inside her dress to smuggle home! Which explains the choice of this dress.

LUPITA NYONG’OGG LupitaNow this was a dress that was received with a lot of mixed feelings! Everybody was kind of underwhelmed with this look because we all thought Lupita would slam with a fashion hammer. I actually don’t hate this dress; prints are really in and I think that with her body structure, she could pull off the ruffling going on in the upper part of the dress.

The color works for her, but sadly this is not a Golden Globes dress; maybe a film premiere or the People’s Choice Awards. This was not a hit, but neither is it a miss. And Lupita darling, you need to have a conversation with your hair stylist!

KEVIN HART73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - ArrivalsHe would have been my best dressed guy if not for the fit of the jacket. If you akpanize yourself so much, at least have the decency to buy a new wardrobe to go with your akpanized frame. If he bends over, that jacket will rip to shreds.

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THE LOOSERS

VIOLA DAVISGG Viola*sigh*

This is what happens when it is your daughter’s igba nkwu, and you have to wear lace, but you don’t wanna tie wrapper like all those village old women, so you come up with this, in case they don’t know you are a city woman. I don’t even know where to start honestly. This looks like something Eniola Badmus would wear! 2015 was her year, she was nominated, and THIS is what she chose to wear? TO THE GLOBES?!

This dress ages her by at least 20 years, and the color is not flattering on her; not even all the diamonds on this dress can save her. Viola needs a new stylist; it has been one red carpet disaster after the other! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

ZENDAYA COLEMANGG ZendayaShe is a fun fashion girl and she takes a lot of risks, but honestly, to me, this one fell flat on its face. She looks like those supporting pillars that hold up tents at Nigerian weddings and have fabric bunched up around them.

Sorry darling, but this does not werk for me!

UZO ADUBAGG Uzo AdubaTo wear sequins, you have to be really skinny, else it will overwhelm you (someone please send that message to Omotola Jalade Ekheinde). This dress makes Uzo look even fatter, and her ministry of waist trainers is making her look uncomfortable. What look was she aiming for really? The devil learns to fly? And her hair, was she attacked by a pack of wolves before the event?

Nne, I am sorry that you are Nigerian and Igbo just like me, mana MBA!

MELISSA MCCARTHYGG MelissaOkay, so I think Melissa burnt her initial dress while ironing it and since she was running late, she unrolled the leftover wrapping from Christmas, made it into a dress and threw it on. I cannot for the life of me figure out how somebody would wear something as ridick as this to the Globes, except of course her stylist is her husband’s side chick! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

JULIANNE MOOREGG JulianneIs she practicing suicide? Where are our resident psychiatrists? Y’all may need to look into this! #PotentialPatientHere

REGINA KINGGG ReginaNne, who did you like this? Mammy water meets Karashika! Two words: HOT MESS!

GIULIANA RANCICGG GiulianaLast year, she was a pea hen! What is she this time? The scare crow from Orange County? The problem with Giuliana is Giuliana. Nothing she wears will ever work. The girl just does not have the IT factor! She should stop trying! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

KATE HUDSONGG Kate HudsonThis is certainly not a Golden Globes dress; can I even call this a dress? Remember those days in secondary school when we did cultural dance? Isn’t this what the girls wore? Who styles some of these people bikonu? (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

HEIDI KLUMGG HeidiLast year she was big bird. As if that was not enough, this year she decides to be a porcupine! This girl needs to fire her entire glam squad and eat some Mushin Amala abeg! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

DAVID OYELOWOGG David OyelewoI am all about men playing with color and all, but you certainly don’t make a tuxedo out of my secondary school boarding house day wear and expect me to clap for you! Mbanu! My god will not forgive me! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

WIZ KHALIFA AND MOMGG Wiz Khalifa*sigh*

What can I say? Do not smoke pot with your mom and still attend an event with her all in one day. They look like they just left the Salvation Army halfway house.

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At the end of the day, my Best Dressed Female is a tie between Cate Blanchet and Lady Gaga! And my Worst Dressed Female is Melissa McCarthy! I honestly don’t know what she was thinking!

My Best Dressed Male is Denis O’Hare. I’m sorry but any man who pulls off heels on the red carpet like that has won my heart (please argue with your ancestors). And my Worst Dressed Male is David Oyelowo! Nna, please return FGC Okigwe’s day-wear to them!

Guys, let me know your thoughts!

Toodles!


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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7 comments

  1. @Uzo Aduba, Ndi nne, mamma!!! 😀

    Erm wait fest, how come Jane Fonda with all that umbrella she’s carrying in front of her is in the ‘Oh well’ list and Julianne Moore, looking so sleek, is in the losers list, eh Mr. Oceans?

  2. Very wicked people,we have his!lmao.jlo or slay-lo,she murdered!!!the slit,the bod,I dnt mind the bling.damn!!!I thought the fountain of youth was a myth.someone stalk her,already.true about taraji.she was ok but….and I think she should work on her spandex next award.lady gaga…oh lady gaga.she did look awesome as usual but me thinks this gown bears similar resemblance to the one she wore at the emmys last year,no?rancic,ogwu azu….mba!!!!

    • Sometimes I look at Jlo and I suspect she’s found that Philosopher’s Stone that Voldemort was looking for in Harry Potter.

      • Wally,you said it!!btw,Jane Fonda,sorry to say..cate Blanchet,Heidi Klum,that girl from the girl with dragon tatoos,I cant believe she dis this Kate Hudson…wth ladies?…they had like what…months to prep for this and they wore those things?as in seriously…?!!

  3. With you on everything but Cate blanchett:that dress is hideous and that colour, that colour btw what was Rooney Mara thinking….

  4. TheLadyWithTheAfroLocs

    dont be condescending about people’s sizes….it is not very nice.
    putting unnecssary pressures on people because of their weights…
    some people are big because of health issues and not only food. hormone shots, thyroid issues…i have a friend who has been advised not to lose weight because her clot can travel from her leg to her heart….people are struggling…don’t sit behind a computer and badgger people about their weights!!! #bully

  5. All hail Lady Gaga!!!!!!!!!!!!

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