The U.S. unemployment rate rose slightly this weekend, as whoever was supposed to be operating a fan at Beyoncé’s second Coachella performance got themselves good and fired. Here’s video of the incident, provided by a very lucky human fan:
— Adultish Gambino (@LEBENFOUR) April 22, 2018
Beloveds, I just have one question for you: Does Beyoncé have to do every damn thing herself? Like, this woman is in the middle of a two-hour set in which she redefines musicianship, gives you enough information to get an Associate’s degree in black cultural anthropology, reconfigures the DNA of everyone watching, and snatches every strand of every wig in existence. She’s busy. Does she need to adjust the set also? It’s too much.
It’s just too much.
Beloveds, why don’t you care about anything as much as Beyoncé cares about the air moving around her physical form?
I love how, as she’s walking over to the fan, she fluffs her hair, like, “If you were doing your job, I wouldn’t have to be doing this. My hand is doing what the wind should be. Do you understand why that’s a problem? This is a hairography moment and yet I am finding I do not have the range. I always have the range; I invented a new range just for myself. So the problem must be you.”
I imagine being in Beyoncé‘s presence is like a constant performance review at work. Beyoncé goes into a coffee shop and explains how she wants her drink made and the barista declares, “I feel changed, I feel inspired, but I also feel like she sees my weaknesses and won’t let me get away with it. I love her; I want to be better for her.”
(Yes, this video is actually of Oprah talking about Gayle, but you get the idea. Also, can we take a moment of appreciation for the way Oprah stares at her own tear as if she has never seen anything more pure in her life? Iconic.)
But back to Beyoncé. Is anybody working as hard as Beyoncé? I think that’s an actual question we have to ask ourselves. Is that the problem with humanity? Everybody has that mug that says I’m living the same seven days as Beyoncé or whatever, but the truth is we are not. Beyoncé started her own HBCU last week; what have you been up to? Rearranging your closet?
Dear companies of the world who are struggling with diversity: Beyoncé has heard your complaints that there aren’t enough qualified candidates from non-white, non-male backgrounds and she would like to present you with an entire line of black female violinists who can also dance. Sincerely, Do Better.
It’s like Beyoncé is just making up Amazing Race challenges for herself (pun intended?). She’s sitting up in her castle on a private island, just pulling prompts out of a box. “Very difficult choreography + female dancers of all sizes + two hours of intense performance. And go!”
One would think that we should get Beyoncé to fix the rest of our problems just like we try to make Oprah do it. Honey, Beyoncé doesn’t have time to fix your problems. Beyoncé is too busy fixing her fan because the fan operator decided to take a selfie real quick. And Oprah doesn’t have time either. Oprah has to figure out how to bottle her perfect tears for world peace. Remember when Oprah invented books?! She was like, “Well, everybody in this country is illiterate and nobody is buying the printed word anymore. Guess I’ll have to single-handedly resurrect the industry. Cancel my morning.”
I just cannot believe that that fan operator would find anything else to do other than blowing very fast air at Beyoncé’s follicles. That’s the closest you’re ever going to get to a superpower. You’re the Storm of Beyoncé right now. Beyoncé has decided to create her own weather system and you are part of it – and what are you doing if not that?
Who’s to say what she’s capable of when her time is no longer taken up by adjusting the fan that was supposed to be monitored by some non-Beyoncé? This is Beyoncé’s world; we’re just living in it, performing at a much lower level of functionality every single minute.
[This piece was originally published on Elle]