‘There are so many women in this world but her butt makes the loudest noise.’
LOL! I laughed so hard when I saw that line. If you haven’t seen or heard about Reality TV star Kim Kardashian’s recent and very explicit foray in front of the camera, you must have been sleeping under a fossilized rock. North West’s mama has very nearly achieved her aim of breaking the internet with her recent photoshoot. And to celebrate her efforts, this piece was penned by a recently made acquaintance of mine, Bura-Bari Nwilo, and was originally published on rottenbiro.blogspot.com. Warning, this is a PG 25 writing o. lol. Kidding, but if you have delicate sensibilities, or you do not like Kim Kardashian, by all means, read the piece below. Lol.
I updated my Facebook status about how amazing I found Kim K’s photographed butt, and opinions came through. Nigerians have opinions a lot. It is in our blood. There is no difference between the Nigerian in Nigeria, who sucks the Nigerian-ness of lack of electricity and poor road network, and the ones outside, who are escapist, trying daily to beg Jisos to allow oyinbo not to throw them on the nearest empty plane back to the heart of darkness. They are same people. When they travel, they pack their Nigerian-ness into a suit case and drag it along with their problems. When they get to the UK or the United States, they unzip the thing and adorn it. Nigerians are that amazing and so they called out Kim and her ‘fake” butt.
Every Nigerian woman who called out Kim K uses fake lashes and miserable eye-pencil on their sweaty faces. They fix ‘original’ hairs. They ‘pad’ their breasts to achieve the purpose of deceit, of those who would not use ears and hear that a certain lady with great boobs lives down the street. Nigerians are very easy to call anyone out. God made us umpires. We call the shots. We are the modest people on earth. We carry original nyash and original nails. In short, when that innocent writer, Ms Adichie, sent a small message to the world that natural hair is beautiful, they blacklisted her and called her village woman from Nsukka who wears oversize skirts and speaks through her nose with her yeye oyinbo-like husband. They called her so many things that I started to cry. They said she was sex-starved and the thing has entered her head badly. Yes. I wept for my crush.
Kim Kay’s latest nude photo is amazing. If she opens a church in Nigeria, it would be a miraculously successful decision. I would attend and plead to be an elder. I am such that her sister, the one whose backside can be used to fight Boko Haram, yes, Khloé, I am sure she would be there too. Kai. Life could be interesting o.
I wonder what the United States is waiting for. Yeye people! They should remove the face of that old man called Benjamin Franklin from their money. That chubby man’s face is one of the many wrong things about America and its madness. How can you have such beauty as Kim K, whose oiled butts can serve as national mirror, to be wasting? Are they alright? They should put an oiled image of Kim K’s breasts on the dollar bill and watch things move for the better. One can stare at that bill and forget his sorrows forever. All the greenhouse gasses and the many plagues, including hurricanes would disappear. That is the power of the butt. Kim K’s butt, though shared among some very bright and prominent black boys, is still amazing. Did you watch that film she acted with Ray Jay? Did you see the way she was chopping that sugarcane? And they would not give her an Oscar oh. Winsh people. Fucking haters!
You may not enjoy Kim K’s latest hustle, if you are not staring at it in the bathroom, with a bar of Premier Cool soap or a bottle of lotion, depending on the size of your pocket sha. But I jerked so much to that image I didn’t realize when I recited my school’s boring anthem.
Kim K is a businesswoman. Nobody puts food on her table. If all she does is within the ambit of the law, it would take anyone who finds her butt or exclusive pussy disturbing to jump in front of the Jonathan’s pathetically restored trains.
I know that Mrs West is sexy. Yes, she is married. Her husband likes her to be out there. If you have not dated a superstar, you would not understand the feeling. There is this massive rush of fulfillment when the entire world wants a piece of what you have. I am currently dating a star. She is sleek and awesome. She has shot 150 Nigerian movies with her phone. People love her. And I blush when I see them ‘famzing’ with her. Kanye West should be strangled. He eats what belongs to the gods. Only him oh. Imagine the nonsense!
On a more serious note, I wouldn’t mind a date with Mrs West. But since I can’t be in oyinbo land where this woman stays, I will find a fine girl in Nigeria and fulfill my desires, bearing in mind that Kim K’s butt can as well be recreated elsewhere.
Butts are amazing. It may not mean much to you. But what do you know? You are just a man who sits on your yeye nyash daily in the bank. You don’t know the essence of something that’s large but touchable and foamy and so on.
And that photographer too should be awarded. I never knew nyash could be that shiny. I love his mind. He is one bloody great guy. He should be given a medal of Honour. He deserves it. Kim is a beautiful demon. How does she do that? There are so many women in this world but her butt makes the loudest noise. Kai. I wish I could work into a shop and get a pair of a replica of her amazing butt for myself, something I can use as pillow. Life is too Aki-and-Paw-Paw to take Panadol extra for another man’s back-pain. The shit won’t work na.
Written by Bura-Bari Nwilo, author of ‘Diary of a Stupid Boyfriend.’ Twitter: @BuraBariNwilo