Home / Featured / CRIMINALLY INSANE

CRIMINALLY INSANE

FOREWORD: This is a fantastic new medical series (*still mourning WARD ROUNDS*) by a close friend of mine, Nene Ezike. This mademoiselle masterfully mixes humour and sternness in this medical lecture that MyMindSnaps will bring to you every Sunday. This here is wisdom, my people. Adhere if you read anything that is a failing for you, and pass the word on to your people.

*

Today, I will try to be as gentle as possible. The wards in this hospital must be filled if we are to eradicate yeyeness and mumurity from our patient populace. So, there.

SO, YOU are a man, abi? And your wife just won’t ‘give’ you a male child to prove your ‘man-ness’, ehkwa? Oya, take a bed in the ward, osiso. Mtchewwww!

Reason: Your wife cannot give you a male child because of you, oga. Yes, you! You determine if your wife will have male or female because you carry the determining X and Y chromosome that will complete the puzzle. So, go back to that woman, kneel down and beg her forgiveness. Then, visit the nearest fertility specialist in any good teaching hospital near you for counselling and guidance. Stop punishing the poor, innocent woman needlessly. Receive sense.

ARE YOU a member or supporter of the Hebrew Women Birth Association? You are a candidate for the isolation ward. With strait jacket on! You have refused to believe that a medical procedure will help you bring a child into the world safely ehkwa? It is against your faith in da Lawd, hmm? UNHRC is on you.

Reason: Medical Interventions have been put in place to help you have your child as safely and less traumatic as possible. The maternal and infant mortality numbers in Nigeria is one of the most heart-rending and abysmal, and you shouldn’t hamper all the progress our hard-working professionals are putting in to reduce those numbers. Receive sense, my sister. If your pelvis is too narrow, or your baby is too big or there are indications that vaginal birth is a no-no for you, please obediently and willingly go under the knife. Pushing does not qualify you for Mother Of The Year award. It never has. And the goal of delivering like “Hebrew women” is to bring both baby and you safely back to the land of the living. My people pray, ‘Ka anu olu nne, ka anu olu nwa.” (May we hear both the cry of the mother and the baby).

However, don’t abuse the knife. It is not a tea party o, which is why you MUST – as a matter of prudence – discuss extensively with your doctor, explore all the options available and settle for the safest. Have a nice delivery, sister.

YOU HAVE diabetes or stroke or other issues that require strict dietary and supplemental guidelines plus exercise and physiotherapy, but you have refused and have blamed your condition on the ‘winches’ in your village for your troubles and have ignored medical advice that will help you enjoy a good quality of life. Your space is in the isolation ward. In a strait jacket! No excuses! Also take a bed if you are the one advising that patient to ignore medical advice and visit prayer houses and dibia that will ‘flick off’ that sickness that was put in their body by ‘winches’.

Reason: Metabolic illnesses and other health issues, when managed properly, can be successfully contained throughout a person’s life. That is why I encourage you to abide faithfully to your doctor’s instructions, your meds and your medical visits. Then, pray all these work! If you do these, you will enjoy a good quality of life, irrespective of that illness you suffer from. And these ‘winches’ will actually leave you alone and face other worthwhile ventures. Ya gazie.

Let us pause for a commercial break, guys. The series will continue shortly.

PS: Path-Care offers you reliable and accurate pathology services. Visit any office in a location near you or www.pathcarenigeria.com for more info. Keep the thanks coming, folks.

Written by Nene Ezike


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

Check Also

THE BIG WORD

Last night I was alone with her. Face to face. Beautiful her. She spoke with ...

17 comments

  1. LMAO!!! Chai! Walter, where do u fetch this crop of humour writers abeg? This Nene chick has finished me with laugh this early Sunday morning. I can just picture her, the matron of the insanity ward, marshalling all these erring ‘criminals’ into strait jackets.

    • shakespeareanwalter

      In fact, as I was reading this episode, I was making sure I hadn’t erred in anyway. No time to be a candidate for Nene’s Yaba Left mbok.

  2. Nothing like a morbidly obese patient telling you her pipu are doing her from the village as she’s taking slimming pills and dieting and nothing is working.

    Her definition of diet na no better food BUT plenty assorted biscuit and groundnut. SMH

  3. …Indeed.
    That’s why I love my pepuls who believe holy water and anointing oil can cure everything. No disrespect to your beliefs oh…so far it’s working for you.
    This is damn sure hilarious.

  4. The Hebrew women own tire me pass.
    As for the male issue, it takes an enlightened man to know that anyway.

  5. Lmao. Nice one and I pray our people receive sense. Medical care is there for a reason, drugs are available to actually make your life better. Worship God and thank Him for the great advancement in medicine.

  6. Humorous.
    But there lessons to learn.
    Nice!

  7. Tankio, my people. I appreciate the feedback. Thanks, Walt for making me famous! Oshe!!

  8. Looool..Bhet seriously oo,many need to take bed.Ignorance is killing and has killed many.
    Btw,Walter nwanne m,Eze and his friends are not going to school today?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *