Home / Featured / CRIMINALLY INSANE: Edition 5


Well, this edition is for the not so insane but still yeyecious. This series seeks to educate and teach while opening our collective eyes to the silliness we put up in the hospital that put our lives at risk. Thank me later. Leggo!

SO, TODAY you woke up, carried your two legs and walked over to see your doctor. Good. Then, while on the visit, you conveniently left out a few critical medical details like symptoms, previous history, drug reactions and the like. Oga, you’re not trying o. Anyway, your transgressions warrant a visit with our in house shrink. Carry your load there.

Reason: Leaving out even the minutest detail during a medical visit could prove fatal for you. I mean, if you leave out your real age, how can he work out the differentials of your symptoms as it relates to your age? Same thing if you leave out any familial history. All these details are very, very necessary. It could mean the difference between being treated properly and not being treated effectively. Please, provide every detail willingly. Doctors, nay, all health professionals are not magicians, so don’t expect them to smell their white coats in order to find out those details. If it helps, make a little diary of your information. Have a list of medications you react to; foods you react to and any other medical history that is relevant. Remember, lying could cost you your life. Uwa bu ofu mbia, my people. Receive sense.

IT SEEMS easy, right? See a doctor, he sends you for tests, you go do the tests, get treated and you go home. Then, you fall ill again and then, instead of going back to the doctor, you go to the lab and pester them to repeat the tests you did the last time because you have the same symptoms and you just can’t be bothered with going back to see the doctor. It is too much of an inconvenience and you are too busy. You get off with a warning this time, madam. Some screws are definitely loose.

Reason: Symptoms are NOT the disease, people. Focus. If you do the needful and give your doctor the feedback about how you feel, he will be able to figure out what may be wrong with you and treat accordingly. And phone or social media calls do not qualify for doctor’s visit.

AUNTY, AUNTY, not every itchy ‘bum bum’ is Candida. And not every pimple or boil warrants Ampiclox. You must not take Tetracycline or Flagyl anytime you have a loose bowel. I jikwa anya gi? You wee now come and go and take Flagyl because the beans you ate last night did not agree with you, and you will not even complete the dosage. And it gets more interesting. Every time you have a headache, you go to Google, WebMed and so on, and then rush off to buy medicine based on what you see there. You even ‘prescribe’ treatment for your friends and neighbours. Onyeoma CY! I see you! Abeg, see the shrink. You are a ticking time bomb.

Reason: I can’t say it enough, Self Medication is dangerous! It is not an effective way to treat any illness. When you have a loose bowel, if you cannot see a doctor immediately, please, use Oral Rehydration Therapy to replace lost fluids, and then if the symptoms persist, go and pay your doctor a visit. If he prescribes any antibiotic for you, PLEASE, endeavour to COMPLETE your dosage. If the prescription is 5 days, take it for 5 days. If you have a problem with compliance to treatment schedule, speak with your doctor. He alone has the authority to amend your prescription if he deems it necessary. Also, Google is not always your friend, neither is WebMed and the like. They are useful only for you to use the information and engage your doctor in a meaningful discourse. There is a caveat at the bottom of those websites, if you even look closely. Don’t expose your oversabiness and ignorance because you googled or Webmed’ed. It is counterproductive.

A WORD OF KNOWLEDGE: Ever heard of Munchausen’s Syndrome? Google is your friend, ore. If you find yourself or any loved one craving sympathy, medical attention or medications for imagined illnesses, please check in with a qualified psychiatrist. You may be a candidate for evaluation for Munchausen’s. Just keep an eye out and be your neighbour’s keeper, if you notice anyone close to you displaying those symptoms.

Until next update, ya gazie, my people. Receive sense, Nigerians.

PS: Path-Care still adds value to your Pathology services. Visit www.pathcarenigeria.com for a list of services they offer. Don’t forget to Know Your Numbers!

Written by Nene Ezike

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Im Nigeria, I feel the drs and medical practitioners should be receiving sense instead or more than the patients. Had my baby 2 months ago and i and my baby almost died cos a silly nurse couldn’t be bothered to read the CTG machine. Infact the drs sef joined in the madness…let’s say ya gazie to medical practitioners jare

    • shakespeareanwalter

      LOL!!! Everyone needs to receive sense when it comes to healthcare.

    • Congrats on you baby, Vic!!! Trust me, everyone connected to health in this country, patient o, health worker o, needs a dose of sense. It is shocking really.

  2. I remember my roomate who once went to the hospital to check out something she had. Before this hospital appointment, we had brainstormed on all the things that could have led to his situation. I told him he had to come clean with the doctor on all these issues. He went, and came back to tell me he had to select what and what not to reveal to the doctor, because some of those things seemed too embarassing to him to reveal. I looked at him like seriously? You were too embarrassed to help determine the best course of treatment for you?! Nawa o. Some people take unncesary gambles with their lives.

  3. That Munchausen’s Syndrome just awakened my curiosity.I will begin to look around and I think I might know someone who needs a visit to the psychiatrist.
    Reading through all this,I’m thankful I have a doctor in my family.Most of the times,it’s tasking for people to go to the hospital regularly for one thing or the other,especially in a country like ours..Just saying though,please don’t get me wrong.
    Nice piece again,I must say..Keep it up

    • I understand. Imagine my having to call dad every two seconds or my brother who is on speed dial. I totally get you. For most people, though, they don’t have that luxury of having a family member that close to them who is a doctor so they play Russian Roulette with their health. Those are the ones that need this update.

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