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CORPERS’ LODGE VI

Read the previous episode of CORPERS’ LODGE HERE

*

NCCF Uncle Dayo started the whole thing. I was in my room, sipping pap with Micah, and hating him for sharing in my breakfast, when Uncle Dayo walked in like a thief in the day. As soon as I saw him, my heart began to race. When he opened his mouth to talk, he confirmed my fears. He had an NCCF jotter/devotional in his hand.

“Join us,” I invited.

He smiled thanks. “I want to show you something.”

What could that be? Inside NCCF jotter! I rose weakly to my feet to peep.

“You will be preaching on Thursday,” Dayo said.

The beating of my heart ceased. “I didn’t get that.”

“You will be preaching on Forgiveness. Study these Bible passages and follow this guideline.”

“But, er… I am not an exco.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

I held the book with shaky hands. I looked at Micah who had finished my pap and was hiding behind a newspaper, covertly laughing his intestines out. I turned to look at Dayo who was now at the door. I sighed. I was hooked. Evil me, preach on Forgiveness. I was finished.

I sat on the mattress and stared at the threads of blank prints that refused to register in my mind. Once Dayo was out of earshot, Micah’s mirth finally bubbled out in loud laughter.

I glared at him. “What is funny?”

You! You, preach at the fellowship?” And Micah fell to his side, laughing so hard that I soon couldn’t bear it anymore.

I left the room to gather my thoughts. I sat on the bench in the veranda and the full weight of the exercise hit me. What did I know about forgiveness? I pondered. I was certain I would stutter before nearly eighty corps members on Thursday, and Micah and the rest would laugh at me for the rest of their lives. Thursday! Less than forty-eight hours away! If it were Sunday fellowship, which only ten corps members attend, I wouldn’t mind. But Dayo had to choose Thursday, which attracted everyone as it would hold just before the CDS meeting. And it wasn’t even raining season, so the chances of rain falling and disrupting it all was minimal; considering my luck, zero percent!

“You have a phone call,” Micah interrupted my thoughts. He stood at the passage door and his hand, in which was my phone, was extended to me. He still looked like he wasn’t done laughing at me. I snatched the phone from his hand.

The caller, Helen, was a girl I met in the village. I was awaiting my call-up letter, and she was home to bury her grandfather. We became more than friends. But she soon returned to Abakaliki (she studies in Ebonyi State University) and I left for Osun. We called each other regularly for few weeks, then slowed down till the love of guys waned cold. We hadn’t spoken for three weeks now, but we kept in touch by liking each other’s statuses on Facebook.

“Hi, Kay,” she enthused in her borrowed American accent.

“Longest time,” I said with little life.

“How is life treating you?”

I looked at the NCCF live coal in my hand. “We thank God.”

“Shey you are serving in Osun State?”

“No,” I said.

“Where are you serving?”

“In the State of Osun,” I said.

Helen laughed. A beautiful sound. “What is the difference?”

Ask Aregbesola, I thought. I said nothing.

“I am in Lagos right now, and I’m preparing to go back to Abakaliki on Thursday. But school just resumed and will be so, so boring.” She laughed again. “I will branch in Osun and chill for the weekend.” Another laugh. “What do you think?”

I swallowed my Adam’s apple.

“Kay, are you there?”

Micah’s eyes were shining with interest.

I swallowed my Adam’s apple again. “Yeah, yeah.”

“It will be fun,” Helen declared. “I heard Osun has so many sacred tourist sites. Tell me how to go about it. Oshogbo, right?”

I couldn’t find my voice.

“I will text you,” Micah whispered.

“I will text you,” I said into the phone.

Helen cheered and the call ended. I thumbed into my inbox and scrolled down till I found my last account balance. 1,784 naira! I looked up. But Micah had disappeared. I could almost hear him reeking with stupid laughter. Who wouldn’t?

An impossible preaching on Thursday… Now the invasion of a girl! How could I preach Jesus, then smuggle in a girl the next moment? And on an empty pocket! I was completely cooked. I slapped the jotter on the floor, then remembered it was God’s book and quickly picked it up and hugged it to my chest. “All is well, all is well…” I muttered to myself

***

Corper IBK was frying akara. I sat on her mattress, trying to study the manual but stealing looks at her at intervals. IBK is provocatively beautiful, even a blind man would stare, but I just glanced at her, once every fifteen seconds. The toilets were oozing terribly, and since IBK’s room was farthest from the toilet, I came here to seek asylum from the murderous smell while I studied for tomorrow’s showdown at the fellowship. I still didn’t know how to start discussing forgiveness. I still hadn’t figured out how to get money. I still didn’t know what to do with Helen.

I hissed.

IBK looked at me. “What is the matter?”

I looked at the small, calm eyes, the red soft lips, the dimples in succulent cheeks and the brown hair lying on well-formed shoulders.

I hissed again.

“If you want to hiss, go to your room o,” she said, before turning to face her fry-pan.

I admired the awesome long legs and hissed again.

“Yeye,” she said with a chuckle.

The frying soon came to an end, and IBK dished out colourless akara balls into a plate which she placed on the carpet before me. The akara shouldn’t be called balls; they were so shapeless. Beautiful mess.

“No.” I shook my head.

“Why?” She attempted a glare.

“I don’t even have energy to eat.”

IBK took one akara from the plate. “Should I feed you?”

My heart lurched. I swallowed quickly. “If you wish.”

She brought the akara towards my mouth and I shut my eyes in anticipation. She rubbed the akara on my nose and dropped it in the plate.

“Yeye,” she said with a laugh. “If my boyfriend catch you.”

I hissed.

***

Our Community Development Service meetings take place in the Owa’s palace, in the multi-purpose hall. The hall sitting arrangement is three sections of plastic chairs. Batches A, B and C occupy one section each. CDS meetings commence by 9am, but from 8 to 9, various religious bodies hold their meetings. Muslim Corpers Association of Nigeria hold their meetings in the conference room, National Association of Catholic Corpers meet beside the hall, while NCCF – 85% of the lot – hold their fellowships inside the hall. Today the fellowship was unusually full and I was going to preach.

My stomach was filled with live butterflies and my bladder full of hot water. I sighed. I looked at my palms, moist of salt water. God have mercy.

Uncle was introducing me. “I invite Corper Kings to speak to us this moment. God has been doing mysterious things in his life. The grace of God has found rest in his endeavours. Kings is a collection of testimonies and we will not be disappointed as we listen to him talk about a problem that has stunted Christendom…”

Who on earth was he referring to?

Our uncle had stopped talking and all eyes were on me, Reinhard Bonnke, to stand up and bring heaven down to the Owa’s palace. I rose reluctantly to my feet and moved to the front. I faced them. I looked at them. Agu, who had never attended fellowship in his life, was here (Hopefully, Jumoke’s father was searching for him). Edwin, who is a catholic and hates anything protestant, was here. IBK, who ought to be in Lagos or Benin City this moment, hiding behind dark glasses, was here. Micah, of course, was here, seated, legs crossed like a judge… All of them were here to see my downfall.

“Praise the Lord,” I said in a small voice.

A cold “Hallelujah” greeted me.

I raised my voice. “Praise the Lord again.”

The “Hallelujah” became lukewarm.

Tun-tun! Tun-tun! My phone announced an SMS.

“Whenever a strong wind of God wants to blow, distractions arise,” I said for comic relief and laughed alone. I fumbled for my phone and stopped laughing when I saw Helen’s text: ‘I am approaching Oshogbo now, what next?’ I switched off the phone.

I looked at my audience with a defeated face, and saw Edwin chuckling; he had seen through my predicament, I was sure. Suddenly angry, I decided to punish him. “Corper Edwin, could you please open Psalm 51 and read from verse 1 down to verse 17.”

Edwin’s face drained of laughter. I watched as he scurried about, asking the people sitting around him for a bible. None of them had come with any. It was normal to come to CDS meetings without bibles. In fact, I hadn’t touched my bible for close to a month, until two days ago, when I fished it out, dusted it and opened it to study for my exhortation.

“We are waiting for you, Brother Edwin,” I turned the pressure.

“The guy didn’t bring bible to church o,” someone quipped, and the fellowship laughed.

My confidence soared, and the revenger in me drew closer. I scanned my congregation, looking for another victim. My gaze fell on Micah.

Please don’t do this to me, please bro, he pleaded with his eyes.

I almost smiled as my gaze moved on, seeking blood.

But the Mama of the house came to their rescue and began to read the passage.

When she finished, I launched into a strong critical message of forgiveness. I spoke with so much energy and passion that my words took bigger meanings and fervent urgency. I didn’t think of Helen, all my existence was hinged on this assignment. I spoke well past the allotted time, and by the time I left the pulpit, my crested shirt was drenched with sweat. I went straight outside for fresh air as the fellowship circled to sing the family song.

Outside, gulping air in mouthfuls, I felt the pain of my burning phone in my hip. But I wouldn’t temper with it now. I had just scaled one high wall, and I must rest very well before I take on the evil called Helen.

Written by Kingsley Okechukwu, tweets @Oke4chukwu, and blogs at kingkingsley.wordpress.com


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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19 comments

  1. This episode got me laughing hard Dis morning specially that part where brother Edwin was called out to read the bible passage.Happy New month wali and all MMS readers…

  2. Lol if he didn’t want to preach he should have just said so, isn’t preaching to a congregation supposed to be a voluntary act? Thanks Walter, I’ve missed this series. Happy New month…

    • Oh and guys I was posted to Plateau state and I don’t know anything about the place, please I need some advice and suggestions, thanks…

      • shakespeareanwalter

        Plateau State is Jos, right? Ok. Now, where is Sifa? 🙂

      • My friend currently serves there,it depends on where you are coming from,i know it is a two days journey from lag by road except you want 2 go by air,the state is okay but the weather is extreme sha ooo

      • Cassie, Jos is a beautiful city. A little colder than you are probably used to. The people are friendly and they love to have fun; however there is still some underlying religious/tribal issues in Plateau State; as such i will advise you stick to the NYSC camp for the three weeks of orientation camp and if you have to go out at all, do that during the day and go back to camp before dusk.
        You will need warm clothes like socks, head warmers, hand gloves(okada riders type lol but it’s optional), cardigan, and any other piece of clothing you can wear under your white tee and shorts.
        Have fun dear!
        And lest i forget my advice is coming from my wealth of experience of spending 4 years + X in Unijos!

  3. This Corper Kings sef. Tasked to preach forgiveness and still out for blood from the altar. LOL.

    Happy New Month, guys.

  4. I’m holding my right ribcage now. My lungs are short of air supply. This episode cracked me up big time.

    Preaching forgiveness, the narrator didn’t forgive. And yet he pulled the congregation. Edwin deserved that, though.

    I had an enjoyable read. Happy New Month, MMS.

  5. Its cool bur I did not really get helens picture in d piece. wat happened 2 helen after d txt mesg?

  6. Welcome back kings and God help you with Helen

  7. It’s actually a day journey from Lagos. Twelve hours on the most. Due to the uncertainty of getting to a new surrounding at night. If you are in Lagos, I would advise you take a night bus so that you will arrive at dawn, with the security of daytime and get a bus to Mangu camp.

    Good luck

  8. HAHAHAHAHHA…who be this guy abeg?? Had me LMAO in this episode…poor Helen though, dude for pass on the number ni.lol. Nicely done, man…you too, Waltz, thanks for sharing this.

  9. Hahahahaha, King you’re a vengeful clown. Please keep this coming. Imagine me screaming like a hyena while reading this by 2am. Peeps be thinking the Wizard of Oz just arrived for 2 pints of blood. I just can’t deal, lolz. Nice 1!

  10. this is one hell of a piece, really hilarious. I started reading the whole episodes today, wanting to know what I’d be likely to face by June. you are one very wicked fellow Kings, but the kyn gobe wey you dey ehn, na pity I just dey pity you…

  11. Hahahahahahahaha, walter don come again o

  12. I can’t stop laughing… With dis piece my laughter can never be drained (like Micah’s)…

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