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Chronicles

I AM NOT THE WHITE MAN IN A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE

It is an eruption of a racket that jerks me to wakefulness. A violent banging around of things that lasts seconds, two or three of those seconds stretching even after I’d woken up. For a few breathless moments, I lie in bed, first trying to recollect myself, to know who ...

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WHO WANTS BIG D**K?

There comes a time in every parent’s life (I imagine) when (s)he is confronted by the reality that the outside world has contributed to his child’s education with knowledge he doesn’t care for. There are all these kids in my compound, grandchildren and extra grandchildren of my landlady. Families who ...

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Where Is He Now?

Against the hauntingly beautiful soundtrack of Nilu’s Are You With Me, in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy Season 14, April Kepner – the only doctor in Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital who is a Bible-believing Christian – could be heard saying the following words: _____ “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabaachthani?” That’s what Jesus ...

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Beyond The Powers of The Yoruba Demon

He called me repeatedly through the night. And I didn’t take his calls. My phone was on silent, so I didn’t hear it ringing. When I woke up, I saw the missed calls, all thirteen of them. Concern crept on me. Why would he have been calling so incessantly, this ...

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The Conscienceless Nigerian

And we spoke. Lowly me. And him, the scion of a nouveau riche family in Nigeria. “I was supposed to hit Naija yesterday but had to postpone it until next week.” “Why?” “I forgot to take my anti-malaria treatment and popsie insisted I take it before I come.” “Really? Me, ...

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THERE WAS A BOY

And we raise psychopaths. These are the parents who blame the government for their woes and yet can’t raise their own children to be sane, civil, courteous, law-abiding and functional individuals. My friend came to see me with her son this morning. He was a seven-year-old. At the door, I ...

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BEHOLD, THE POST OFFICE

I get a call in the morning. The connection is very bad – hissing static and a caller’s voice that keeps crackling in and out of focus. “Hello… Are you Walter Ude… Have a package… Come to our office…” “Hello, hello, I can’t hear you well, sir,” I keep saying ...

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KINDRED SPIRITS

You know how sometimes you lock yourself up, turn off the lights and shut the blinds because you’re trying to hide the cracks? You know how some days you wake up with a loud hiss because you keep wondering what the hell you’re doing with your life? You know how ...

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In The Dark

It is early morning. You lean over with a groan and your arm brushes against naked skin. Your drowsy brain isn’t sure what your hand touched so you go for a second pass. You grab unto a cheek. You squeeze. Your dick yawns a protracted yawn and opens its one ...

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Rape Is Not Only When There’s Blood And A Crying Girl

I can’t say I remember exactly how it started but on the night I just got home, slightly tipsy from alcohol, my brothers and I got into an argument about consent that left me going “What the fuck?” You are on twitter and you see random people saying these outrageous ...

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