ALONE

FOREWORD: The world is full of lonely people. Some people recognize this and deal with it. Some others don’t and strive to drown it. Some happiness is genuine, vibrant, luminous, and some is just a front for the darkness that throbs behind. This I know, because I am intimate with this darkness. And so, when I read the piece you’re about to read, it spoke to me in volumes. It felt as though the writer had burrowed into my mind and unearthed everything he’d seen in there. The world is full of lonely people, who are in the end not alone. Read and let us know your thoughts in the comments section.

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Sometimes I wake up feeling alone.

No, not scared. Alone.

Like I’m lost in a cocktail mixture of disappointments, ranging from finance to relationships, achievements, unmet goals, self improvement and a whole lot more unnecessary issues.

Staying around people, yet it feels like no one’s around me. Most times I’d want to call family and the few friends I have, but then I feel comfortable in my solitude and don’t want to bug anybody.

A lot has been synced in my mind lately.

Like open tabs on a browser, they all stay active, each zapping my mental energy to process.

Sometimes I feel like I’m straying from reality, from myself and the world around me. Like I can’t even keep up with myself. And so the future which seemed so colourful now looks blurry like grandma’s thick glasses.

Time would find me sitting and asking myself about why life seems weird, what I’d do next, how I’d start or if things will ever get better.

Sometimes these haunting thoughts steal my sleep and happiness, keeping me sad while believing that joy comes in the morning. But with the dawn of the next day, instead of feeling better, I feel like I’m sinking deeper, my hope depleting, drying off, exhausted.

Nobody sees this. Nobody sees what I go through on the inside, because I keep up with the smiles and the buoy of an almost drained hope.

Times like that, I feel like crying, but I can’t. Not because of the societal expectations of a male child or some random masculine rule, but the fact that I have to stay strong for some people.

Sometimes I want to talk to someone. Let them into my fears, thoughts, nightmares. But my vulnerability scares me. People are better actors than those who win the Oscars and Grammys. They act cute while talking to you, but would backstab, snitch or even laugh at your ‘weirdness’.

I look at the world and I see that I have just me. Just me to talk to, to encourage and just me to stand by me.

I used to hear a pastor talk about some ‘Helper’. Yes, I used to give it a thought, about some random person saving me from this lair of emotional puddle.

That thought too is lost.

Written by Justin Ebuka Muodebelu


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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12 comments

  1. I totally relate to this … Wish I could put my arm around his shoulder and tell him to keep keeping faith… But that too will be a lie..

  2. I know what it feels like being alone. I think everybody does. We, humans care too much about the idealized expectations which we have created and choose to die on the inside, just to that we can APPEAR as we SHOULD appear. This is why two people can sit in a room and are miles apart; they could even be twins. We, as a collective, will continue to suffer the artificial pain we have created until we decide to wake up. None can save us but ourselves.
    @Ebuka: I have so much to say to you but I’m constrained by space/time. But I will say this; make is okay to be alone, be your own best friend, be your HELPER. Your happiness is just a thought away…

  3. Adeleke Julianah

    It’s like Ebube wrote every word for me, because I relate very well with this kind of despair

  4. I so much relate with this cos i think am going thru d same thing like I lost myself in trying to live up to or meet expectation. there is dis darkness dat comes over u sumtyms, dis confusion….its like a burden on ur shoulder, deep. u look around n derz no one to talk to n even dose u used to don’t fit anymore. u are lonely n at d same time u don’t need anyone. u don’t want to bother or b bothered. I used to write, I used to love writing but now its too much a task. I just wanna read n see how pple feel. most times I’m just comfortable alone in my room, lights off, cool music, fan on and thinking my life away….

  5. A thousand hugs to this writer.. I knew I’d love it even before reading it.
    Totally relatable… You’re not alone . gonna share this on fb Asap.

  6. Wow!!! It’s like reading my own story. *sigh*

  7. I can relate. Thanks Manny.

  8. Believe me, I know that feeling. The one that tells you to forget everything else and give up. It’s only God that can fill that loneliness and give us hope for tomorrow. Because He lives we can face tomorrow. He said ,’I will never leave nor forsake you’. Just keep clinging on Him. He will work things out. Sometimes when things get out of hand for me, I have a way of just crawling back to Him with all the life threatening pains and issues. Amazingly, He drives all my fears away and I am quieted in His arms. He can do the same for you just call on Him and ask Him to help you.

  9. Solitude has this calmness. It has this feel of security where you don’t have to be afraid of any sort of betrayal.
    Some of us thrive better in our space and without need to share our fears, experience and other things to others.

    Justin, you spoke my mind.

  10. In the midst of your loneliness, there’One who understands more than you can imagine…His Name; Jesus. If u let Him in He can become ur best friend…Give it a thought

  11. That scary moment when you can’t find ears or faith.

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