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Hilarious! 10 Signs You’re A Sadist

In my Instagram bio, I described myself as ‘writer, blogger, sadist’.

Proudly sadist.

I have not always been proud of being a sadist. In 2012, I was horrified when someone called me a sadist. In 2013, I argued fervently against it. In 2014, I was indifferent. Since the turn of this year, I have embraced it, and have been wearing it like an armour, punctuating most of my sentences with ‘We sadists don’t, we sadists do this, do that etc’. Although someone once asked me in a viewing centre how much being a sadist had put in my account. People laughed at me for ninety minutes but I’m not discouraged.

My rise to the zenith of sadism had, in no mean way, given me undiluted joy, and amazed me fearfully. So I began to study the art of sadism. I studied great sadists like Kafka, Woolf and Okadigbo. I studied ordinary sadists as well.

And here, I have drawn out ten items that is set to convict you in the Sadist Prohibition Protection Act of 1992 as Amended (when!). Let’s go. You are your own judge.

  1. If You Chew Chewing Stick.

I am not saying that everyone who brushes with chewing stick is a sadist, no. My father chews stick, occasionally, he’s no sadist. My grandma chews stick every blessed day, she’s no sadist. But my father was born in 1940-something, and my grandmother was fished out of the 1920s. You get the picture? Why should you, born in this era, brush your teeth with timber?

Toothpaste kills the gum, toothpaste causes – Sharrap! No excuse for you. The only wood allowed to enter your mouth is toothpick, sugarcane and ‘cucumber’. If you chew stick, you are a terrible somebody.

  1. If You Don’t Dance In Church.

This is the height of sadistic-ness, going before God with a long face. It is even worse if you dance in clubs on Friday nights but never in the house of God. One of my guys would complain, ‘Their sound system no good…if to say here na Calabar…’ This guy is a regional sadist.

Some claim they are shy, but they dance in their rooms to Wizkid and Flavour. Faithless sadist. Didn’t the word of God (citation needed) say that in all your getting, get boldness?

Some only dance with their heads, as though their coconut is the only apparatus they are grateful for. Semi-sadists.

Me, I dance in church. I sit in the back so it helps.

  1. If You Switch Off Your Phone At Night.

You come home from work terribly tired. You managed to pour garri in hot water and turned with pestle, and ate with your one-week old soup. Then you belched and went to bed. But before you drew the sheet, you picked up your phone and switched it off. You didn’t wish to be disturbed, you had been out all day saving humanity from alien invasion and must now enjoy your rest to the fullest.

You know what, you are evil, selfish and dangerous! Hasn’t it occurred to you that there could be an emergency, somewhere, and your presence or word could make a world of difference, even save a life? Is your sleep more important than that woman in labour and whose husband needs your keke-napep to the hospital? This is no 2008, people rarely do free night calls without prior warning. Wrong numbers are a possibility of one in a million.

You must switch off your phone, you insist because you are no doctor, midwife, pastor, parent or politician; you don’t even own a bicycle tyre. Now I get it. You are no sadist, you are irrelevant. Apologies for the botheration. Please switch off your rubber-bound Nokia 1100 and enjoy your slumber, wake up tomorrow, drink your soaked garri and go to your workplace at the construction site where you carry concrete on bald head up the fourth floor. Sadist!

  1. If you look at the mirror and your reflection looks away.
  1. If You Kick Animals Around.

Every normal person should hate snakes and other animals with dangerous swag and plot against their wellness. But kicking innocent animals at every opportunity you get, not so fair. I know Nollywood makes village witches out of cats; some dogs are ill-tempered and most goats are thieves. But most of the ones you get close enough to hit are really harmless (if not cute). You mustn’t like them, but you can live and let’s live.

I used to live in a compound where I terrorized a neighbour’s dog. Whenever I returned home in the afternoon and saw the poor thing resting in the shed of our veranda, I usually kicked it into the blinding sun. Why should human beings be sweating out in the sun and a dog (an ordinary beast o) would be in the cool? Tah! Kick. Kick!

Perhaps, you don’t kick animals, but you beam a vulpine grin when people like me are on the prowl. Same thing, you sadist.

  1. If You Don’t Watch Nollywood. I believe this is self-explanatory.
  1. No Item seven. This is no naming ceremony or a funeral. Were you actually thinking of having your afternoon food here? Sorry to disappoint, this is a blog!
  1. If You Don’t Play With Children.

I am not saying you hate children. No, no, no, no, no. It’s just that you are very busy, so, so busy. You import oil (palm oil, what else?) from Ikot Ekpene to Mariri. You are never at home. When you are not in your warehouse loading your capital oil, you are in Dangote Cement where you work eighteen hours a day. You usually come home tired and duly cemented. Or, you are a student, writing your project (actually copying, modifying, pasting and turning people’s projects into yours); you don’t want distractions. You are damn busy, mehn. More so, the kids in your neighbourhood are dirty (plus rude) etc. Does that make you a sadist? Er… Let’s say you are a hard working sadist or/and a hygiene-conscientious sadist.

You are still a sadist.

  1. If You Hate Been Tagged on Facebook.

Nothing drives some folks crazy like been tagged on Facebook. They have come out to post federal warnings. Hey, fellas, don’t tag me otherwise I will block the hell out of you (who cares?) bla, bla, bla. I can understand with them. Some people are heartless. They tag you so relentlessly, as though you guys are running a joint Facebook account, most of the time on useless posts. Twitter mentions can be trying but it is paradise to compare with Facebook tag where you receive notifications when dim-witted teenagers begin a conversation about post UTME on the tagged post! Sigh. It is terrible, terrible. But it’s bearable, isn’t it? It’s social media and what is social media without a little shit?

But you just CAN’T allow it.

Of course, dear, you are a sadist.

  1. If You Don’t Comment on Blog Posts.

Nigerians have killed a million careers in writing. A bright boy would come out, bubbling with creativity, and publish a great post. Three days later, you see a heartless LEAVE A COMMENT, succeeded by a heartbreaking NO COMMENT. Sigh. The blogosphere is full of abandoned blogs and unfinished blogging, and sadists are solely responsible for this. Why will you read a brilliant, awesome, funny, educating post and not say anything in the comment section? Why, WHY!

No time bro. Commenting is not just my thing. Your blog is not comment-friendly. Network is bad. Etc. Fifty shades of sadists. And creativity balloons are punctured, hundreds per second.

Sweetheart, please temper sadness with comments.

Written by Kingsley Okechukwu, @Oke4chukwu


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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49 comments

  1. Michael cyprian O.

    Brilliant read.. I’m not a bloody sadist.

  2. I’m so guilty of 9……

  3. Hahahaha hahaha. Oh I was not prepared for this this morning, I really was not. This is genuinely hilarious, I loved every single word constructed into a sentence which then went on to form a paragraph and eventually, the entire piece.

    Oh dear Lord, it really is funny.

  4. I saw one or two places I fit in fa!! 🙁

  5. *secret exposed by one of us* plus that list should end with ….to be cont’d

    • shakespeareanwalter

      LOL. I’m sure the list goes on and on. Wait, you fit the bill so perfectly you think there’s more of what makes you a sadist?

  6. Very funny piece, cheer up bro and don’t be such a sadist, its not fair, see I commented on your post, so I am not a sadist you can learn from me

  7. Now I know my condition. I’m a bloody sadist. Tagging me on any post on Facebook is a sure way if ending up on the unfriend bin.

  8. Oh my! hahaha Now this is off the hook hilarious.

  9. ok…now I’m commenting… I’m not a saddist

  10. Lol, i fall under 6 and some(not saying).

  11. I guess am not a sadist after all…

  12. Well well…seems I’m a part-time sadist

  13. What if you hate chatting with everyone?

  14. I am guilty of all of them and I am not a sadist… Sue me

  15. You got me laughing…you sadistically killed this piece. I have seen a band of sadists in every nook and cranny especially in our restaurants where you see people cracking bones with their teeth as if they are mining for minerals or using their teeth to open bottles when openers are available. The list is endless. that reminds me, some sadists don’t give a peck let alone a kiss for reasons best known to them.

  16. Hilarious.

    Now we’ve been guilt-tripped into commenting.

    I don’t like people calling my phone after 9PM. And I don’t like animals.

  17. See me feeling guilty. For what naa?

  18. Oooooo lmao, I’m guilty of two shaa or may b 3 not sure, but I’m commenting now.

  19. LMAO No7 was so hilarious

  20. ‘cucumber’ Lol.
    no.4 doh hilariballs!.

    I hate being tagged on irrelevant posts. hardly comment on blog posts. it is force? I’m no sadist jor if I block u for tagging me and u feel bad I don’t comment on ur blog deal with it after all what is social media without a little shit. I refuse to feel guilty!

  21. HOHOHAAAAAA….LWKMH! Mehn, if not dancing in church then not watching Nollywood movies should qualify meself #funnyPiece.

  22. Lol. iDied reading this….
    I have a confession to make oo
    I am a sadist through and through….just ask Walter he sure knows…will start ticking them off one at a time.
    Thanks for making my day
    But wait! did you say ‘cucumber’? Like the fleshy one with veins running from base to tip and tapering off at the end? *mind out the gutters yall*
    Flees.

  23. I’m commenting now. I’m I still a sadist?

  24. completely true….. I guess I’m not a sadist then. looooool

  25. I’ll not comment joor, humph…

  26. The part about dancing in church made me laugh…I am so guilty of that…I mean with my two left legs how can I dance? lol….ya I switch off my phone cos some peeps are so freaking annonying! Calling u at odd hours…Haba! #inobemamadogoodoh

  27. Lol
    I suspect myself… ?

  28. anyi_baba Odiegwu. .we know yu..that place in hell is waiting and walter will be yur bonk mate ..I’m guilty of all except 3,8 and the chewing stick man! That’s just nasty. .even if I was born in the 1830s…I’ll be known as the village bad breath and rotten tooth champion!

  29. Heheheheheh…….dance in church. ke? I was born and brought up in a no dancing church even after I left, I am already used to it…..guess I am a sadist after all #FunnyPiece

  30. I am clearly a sadist but I don’t turn off my phone at night and nigga! That cucumber line… You regional sadist!

  31. Oh wow I read this and fell in love then I got to the end ready to declare my love for Walter alas the bard did not write this ….. Nooooooo so I guess I’ll stay a sadist ???

  32. I switch my phone off at night.
    I don’t watch Nollywood movies.
    I don’t have time…or interest in playing with children
    I hate being tagged on Facebook or Instagram

    So I guess I’m slightly sadistic.

  33. This might be a hilarious read but I do know someone like this!

  34. This is hilarious!!! And to think I was outed by the writer? Issoke. We Sadists rock!!!

  35. sigh…i wasnt supposed to comment o but i had to prove a point. I am not a sadist :p nice work.

  36. From the picture you’v painted, I’ve come to realize that sadist is what we call ‘akpo’ in our house. I also realized that everyone is sadist in one way or the other. The Jews who killed Jesus? They are the champions.

  37. mehn…. so disappointed that I didn’t fit into all categories.

  38. Thank Heavens I’m not a sadist..tralalalalala..

  39. Walter!
    Where do you meet these people!?
    Damn hilarious yo! Still cracking here

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